Blogging Karma and Toddler Valentines take 2

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Every blogger knows the dangers of blogging Karma. It’s a special kind of karma, the blogger kind. And one that you accept is pretty much inevitable. At some time, at some point, something you write will come back and bite you in the ass. This will happen more then once, probably.

Last year I wrote a post about how I think it is ridiculous for toddlers to exchange Valentines. Or at least, it is ridiculous for parents to buy a whole bunch of valentines cards, fill them out on behalf of their toddler and then take them and give them to their toddlers friends. It just seems like an other one of those things we seem to do as parents, not because it matters to our kids, but because every other parent is doing it so it feels like we ‘should’.

The caveat that I gave in that post was that if your toddler asked to make cards and then made them themselves. I have nothing against the holiday of valentines and I do think it is cute how kids want to show how much they care. But, I am an advocate of minimal parental involvement when it comes to such things. I think it should be something they do because they want to, rather then some sort of parental “keeping up with the Jones”.

So, guess who has been obsessed with making Valentines cards this year? Guess who has spent the better part of the last week making me cut out construction paper hearts so she can make dozens upon dozens of Valentines cards? Bahaahahaaaaaa!

Blogging Karma, my friends. Blogging karma.

I give you, the Valentines Day card factory that is Audrey’s craft table:

valentines 300x225 Blogging Karma and Toddler Valentines take 2

Exhibit A: Toddlers Valentines Day Card Obsession

I have no idea who all these cards are for… but if anyone wants a card from Audrey, just let me know. I am sure we will have extras.

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

Thoughts on Public Education

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Education 300x300 Thoughts on Public Education

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography via Flickr Creative Commons

Education has become a topic of conversation amongst many parents in my circle of friends. With most of my ‘mommy peers’ have children beyond the baby years, the decisions about preschools and kindergartens are getting closer and closer. And so, though Audrey is still a ways away from kindergarten, the topic of public education has started to swirl around in my mind.

Luckily, this is not my first introduction to concepts of Education. I work in Post Secondary Education- and so the topic of the impacts of public education on students- particularly as it relates to their future careers- is something I am fairly well versed in. I have also been paying close attention to a number of twitter friends and other mommy bloggers who are well into the trials and tribulations of school age children. I have always been interested in Education and Education politics.

Now, before I start sharing my thoughts, I will again repeat that I strongly and truly believe that each parent is their own best decision maker when it comes to their kid. Every kid is different and we all need to try and make decisions that we think are best for our kid. The Public/Private/Home school education choice is no different.

I believe too, especially in Canada, we have a pretty good system of choice between those options. It seems there are more and more Private (or Charter) schools cropping up with unique educational focuses or philosophies. I  also understand that the popularity of homeschooling has increased and there is more support now for parents who choose that option. (When I say support I mean, it is a more normalized option in public opinion and that there are resources out there to help parents who choose to home school develop curriculum, ect.) There are certainly individual family circumstances, including financial, time constraints and personal skills and abilities*, that impacts the ability to explore the different options for schooling- but I think there is much more choice now then there was when I was growing up. Which is good.

My husband and I haven’t really started talking seriously about this decision yet. I believe my husband (I hate speaking for him, but I think I am right on this one) has thought more about Private school options then I have– but realistically I doubt we could afford any Private school. I also believe that neither hubby or I would be particularly strong at homeschooling and we need two incomes. We just do. Very likely, the home school option is out. Therefore, from my perspective at least, Audrey is likely going to public school.

Despite that, I certainly have some bones to pick with public education. I suspect I will be one of ‘those’ parents. Some of my core issues include:

Homework: From what I have heard from some other Canadian parents- the amount of homework students receive is insane. I strongly believe that homework adds little value and that children need free time to play. Beyond that, it is more then just homework. It seems to me that public education also encourages kids to spend much of their free time ‘involved in something’. I remember 5 day a week morning band practice, 3 day a week after school basketball, ect. ect. and a plethora of other opportunities I passed up because I just could not fit them in. Over scheduling has become a hot topic.

Quality of Teaching: The system has some amazing teachers and some really bad ones. I know this from personal experience. A child’s perspective of themselves and their skills, abilities and intelligence can be very strongly impacted by the experience they have in school, and not always for the better. Teachers play a huge role in this. I know for myself that I had some amazing teachers who really, made me who I am today. I also have strong memories from some really really horrible teachers, who negatively impacted my learning and my self-esteem.

Learning Style: Public Education rewards a very particular learning style: those who absorb information via primarily reading and writing. It also rewards students who are strong at memorization, mathematics and have the ability to quietly sit still. The infuriating reality of this is that is means a certain type of kid is considered ‘smart’ and a certain type of kid is considered ‘not smart’. However, based on my knowledge about careers, our economy needs a very wide diversity of skills and abilities. It needs hands on kinestheitic learners, who can figure out how to build or fix something. It needs great communicators- outgoing and gregarious. It needs feisty risk takers and people that can think in very unique ways to innovate and find solutions. I think our Education system tells many of these people they just don’t add up- because they don’t naturally do well in a situation where they sit in a class 6-8 hours a day and read and write. And above all, I believe our economy needs critical thinkers, problem solvers and people that have a strong ability to self assess and know what they are really, truly good at. Based on the students I talk to- this quality is a rarity and does not seem to be fostered in Public Education at all.

And despite all this- I would still choose Public Education over the other options,* even if I felt our family was in the position to explore those other options. There are a couple reasons for this. First, I believe kids are resilient. I do not believe my job is to make sure things go well for her all the time. I believe there is nothing more character building then overcoming a difficult situation. An other part is that I don’t think that by choosing Home schooling or Private Schooling that I entirely avoid the possibility that my child’s experience won’t be idyllic. No option is perfect.

But more then anything else, I believe deeply in public education. I can’t even explain to you why I believe so deeply it in. I should clarify, it is not that I ‘believe’ in it in the sense that I believe it is perfect. As you can see from above- I really don’t think it is perfect. But I believe in it from a social capital and community building perspective. I would rather have my child in Public school and be one of ‘those’ vocal parents- trying to change it from the inside- then opt out. I think it is partially because I am a glutton for punishment and have a deep ‘save the world’ bent that is currently being largely unfulfilled. Or maybe it is just because I love, love, love a great challenge. I am not sure. As I say, I am not sure at this point I can put into words why, despite the negatives, that I want my child in public education. Because I just do.

What do you think?

*These issues are huge and I think is something we need to be keenly aware of. Even having the option to choose anything other then public school is a privileged situation to be in. Yes, some family’s make huge sacrifices to get their kids in the educational system of their choice- but many more families really just do not have any options.

*Note: This decision is not entirely up to me, obviously, as I have mentioned, what we actually decide to do will have a lot to do with what my husband thinks and the circumstances we find ourselves in when Audrey is ready to go to school.

Do you compare yourself to others?

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We all do, don’t we? Compare ourselves to others? We compare how we look to how others look. We compare our careers to others, our homes to others, our stuff to others. We compare how many friends we have or how much money we have. The list goes on.

And then we become parents. And a whole other world of comparisons begin. We drive ourselves mad, really. At least, I know there have been times when I drove myself mad.

A while ago, I saw this pin on Pinterest.

139822763400625312 Wqy7jh0J c Do you compare yourself to others?

Source: insidejennyshead.blogspot.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

It is so true, isn’t it?

I always think about the scenario where I was sitting with a bunch of Mom’s in a Mommy Group, a few weeks after my daughter was born. And I was talking to that Mom. You know that Mom, who no matter what, always says things are wonderful? Her child sleeps, eats and never cry’s. I don’t know about you, but I could not stop myself from believing she was lying. And if she wasn’t lying, I kinda hated her. Not really, but you know. Especially after I pulled an all night-er to try and feed a screaming child, using a supplemental nursing system and pumping and nursing round the clock. It seems that Mom had absolutely no struggles. No issues. No complaints.

Maybe she is just a really really positive person. We certainly need more of those people out there. Really, I had/have no place in questioning what she said or resenting that she was either struggling less or dealing better. Even if her baby was an angel baby and even if she was amazingly talented a dealing with struggles, I am sure there must have been some struggles. Who’s life is free of challenge? Actually, the most saddening possibility is that she was struggling and didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with the support of the mommy group. Maybe we didn’t seem so supportive. Maybe she just didn’t want to share. All this to say that the truth, the real truth, is that no one has it easy. No one.

And yet we rarely see each other struggle. We work hard to cover it up, minimize it and put on a good front. In the process, we go through this process of internalizing our struggles and then comparing ourselves to everyone else. Even when we say we are opening up, we are often still censoring and masking at least part of what’s going on.

Everyone else seems to have it together. Why don’t I have it together?

The insecurity builds.

I was talking with a friend a couple months back about parenting. And we were thinking about how we feel about ourselves as parents base on the internal frustration and down right annoyance we sometimes feel towards our children. The voice in our head that says “Grrrr, my kid is driving me nuts!”. We were joking that it is a good thing that we don’t judge our parenting based on this inside voice, because we would likely all consider ourselves less then stellar parents. But how we feel on the outside is different then the calm and caring tone we use with our children (as much as we possibility can.)

That made me think even more about the whole concept of our internal experience versus the external persona we see of everyone else. No wonder everyone else looks so together and when we sometimes feel like we are falling apart!

Then there is the media- which has an ironic dual impact on our perception of ourself compared to others. When we watch movies, tv and look at beautiful movie stars we get very unrealistic view of life. Fairy tale endings, happily ever after, money, fame, ect. Perfect mothers and happy sitcom families. An even more unrealistic picture then that glossy persona we sometimes put on for each other in ‘real life’. I really believe that those images of happily ever after have had a negative impact on healthy expectations for our lives.

And at the same time there is reality tv and talk shows. Which, though I will admitted I have been entertained by here and there- are really a voyeuristic look at people who are more messed up then we are. I’m convinced that’s a big part of why people watch those shows. But they are so unrealistically out of proportion to the struggles of most people they don’t seem real either.

I have said before, just about the only thing I have seen on tv that comes close to accurately depicting the internal and external struggles of the every day family is the show Parenthood.

So what’s my point? First, that it is important to remember that others are feeling things inside that you will never see. To me, this is a good reason to be compassionate and forgiving- of both ourselves and others. Second, let’s talk. We are all human- so when we meet a friend we feel close to- put down the mask. Let’s feel comfortable to be ourselves- messy insides and all.

Reader mail and Toddler Tantrums

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The other day I got a lovely e-mail from a reader who was asking for advice. I was totally flattered and a bit surprised. As I say in my “About Me”, I am not an expert, just a Mom who likes to share her thoughts and ideas and maybe even some suggestions. After answering this Mom’s request, I asked if I could post the exchange on my blog. Because I thought it may be of interest to others as well.

Before I share it with you I just want to be really upfront about something. As I was writing back to this Mom and considering posting this here I was thinking: “Who am I to give advice? I get frustrated with my kid sometimes. I feel sometimes that I am not a great parent and I could do better. And I certainly don’t have it all figured out. So really, who am I?” The more I thought about this the more a made peace with it. Because I think advice from a peer, rather then an expert, is really valuable. It is a reassurance that you are not alone, a reminder of what you are already doing that works and a few little ideas that may be just new enough to give you a little help along the way. It is not about me “knowing” and someone else “not knowing”, it is about supporting one an other. So here it is:

Hello,

I just read your blog about toddlers throwing tantrums and being in control. I realize you wrote it last June, but I was hoping you wouldn’t mind me asking for some advice. I had a second baby when my toddler was just about to turn two, and I think most of the time we gave into the tantrums just because we were so stressed with a newborn. Now it’s been a year and he’s almost 3 and thinks he runs the house. My husband and I are trying to be more in control, but sometimes I just want to scream because he always bursts into tears over (it seems like) everything.

Just today I let him watch a little extra tv before nap and then when he went up to this room, he wanted to watch even more. He cried so much that he woke up my youngest. (something that really upset me). I let him just cry in his bed. I wasn’t sure what else to do. It wasn’t the right time for a time out.

Sometimes you said that you do give in, like the certain spoon. My 3 year old is doing that too. He always wants a new spoon he got for Christmas. I’ve been letting him have it, but I have to wash it all the time. He drives me crazy sometimes.

I’m thinking about recording something at night that says “Mommy is the boss; you have to do what mommy says” to play softly while he sleeps. Just kidding!! Ha ha

Thanks for any advice,

(I have left out this Mom’s name at her request)

My response:

Thank you for your e-mail! I am so flattered that you asked for advice based on my post. I am happy to help any way I can. First though, I think your idea for toddler subliminal messaging night time music is brilliant. Let’s market that!

I don’t know if this will help or not, but it sounds to me like what you are describing is 100% normal toddler behaviour and your reaction to it is also 100% normal. Based on my conversations with other parents on and off line, I can say with some certainty that what is happening in your house is happening in millions of houses which happen to be occupied by a toddler. Which doesn’t make it better, I know, but sometimes it is good to know you are not alone. I know I have also felt on more then one occasion that I also want to scream because my daughter also bursts into tears whenever she doesn’t get her way.

My toddler is also almost three, and despite my husband and my best intentions to try and not let her run the house, it feels often that she also believes she is in charge. I think it feels this way because many many almost three year olds do believe they are in charge. While I think it is good to do whatever we can as parents to set healthy limits, say no when appropriate and stay as calm as possible, the reality is that tantrums and outbursts are normal developmental toddler behaviour. Toddlers are amazing and wonderful but they are also challenging. I don’t know any parent out there who isn’t being drive crazy by their toddler at some point or an other. There are certain behaviours that toddlers exhibit that I don’t really believe any amount of parenting is going to dramatically impact. It is an age and stage thing. The best we can do is try and get by with our sanity intact.

But I do have a few suggestions that I hope help:

#1 Pick your Limits

Figure out the things that are most important to you to not give in on. Maybe it is when nap time is. Maybe it is you get the spoon you get. Maybe it is something else. Make a list. Try and keep it short. Do not budge on that list. Try and be as consistent as possible on that list. Then let the rest go. Don’t not to engage in a power struggle on anything that’s not really important to you. It is just not worth it.

To give you an idea, here are something things that are on my list:

- When it is bedtime, it is bedtime

- If you want something to eat, you ask nicely rather then either raiding the kitchen or crying/whining before I know what you are whining about

- When it is time to leave the house, it is time to leave the house

- No hitting/punching/slapping

- When it is time to turn the TV off, it is time to turn the TV off

#2 Make Peace with Negative Emotion

If he cry’s, acknowledge that he is upset but let him cry. He is his own person and he needs to express his emotions, so let him express his emotions. It is completely reasonable to set healthy limits, but I don’t think as parents we should expect our kids to be happy about it. Everything is a big deal to a toddler. When I think about it from my daughters perspective, I can see how overwhelming it all is– all the new things to learn and do and see. On top of that, they are developing the skills to regulate their emotions– something that even as adults most of us struggle with from time to time. If you can, move him to a different room so he doesn’t wake the baby, or play white noise in baby’s room to reduce the possibility of waking the baby.

#3 Always Give Fair Warning

One of the most effective tools with toddlers I find is letting them know well in advanced what is coming next. Give them 2-3 steps ahead with time frames. Yes, they can’t really tell time (well maybe there are a few toddlers out there that can, but generally not)- but they do understand sequence. For example, I let Audrey watch TV in the morning while I am having a shower and getting ready for work. When I go to get in the shower I say, “Audrey, I am going to have a shower. After I get out of the shower we are going to turn off the TV and I will help you get ready to go to the Day home. Then you will put on your boots and jacket on your own while I put on my makeup.” Then, when I am out of the shower and on my way to get dressed I tell her, “Audrey, I am almost done getting dressed. In one minute we are turning off the TV and I will help you get dressed.” Then, once I am dressed I go to her and say, “Audrey, the one minute is over. We are turning of the TV now. Please come with me to get you dressed.” I can’t tell you how effective I find this. Now, this doesn’t stop the crying all the time- but most of the time it does.

I hope that helps a bit. I know it is not easy. And I know is it extra challenging with two kids instead of one. But I am also sure you are doing a great job. Hang in there!

Sending you supportive vibes!