When your not sure your child care provider ‘gets’ your child

Last Thursday and Friday, when I picked up my 3 year old daughter from Daycare, she was in tears the moment she saw me. You know the kind of tears that are just beneath the surface that come flowing out the minute you see someone you love- someone you feel safe with? Yeah, those kind of tears. The kind of tears that really break a mothers heart. I can usually handle “I want that and can’t have it” tears and “I fell down and hurt myself tears”, but “I feel bad about myself” tears just get me.

The cause of the tears? A child who is really struggling with learning to use the toilet. Both days she had accidents which, I can only assume, left her feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Each day I have spent a good hour after picking her up re-assuring her that we always love her, we are always proud of her and we don’t care when she learns to use the toilet.

Though I have to admit I have been tempted, more then once, to give her a subtle or not so subtle push to move forward in learning to use the toilet, my better sense and my knowledgeable family, have encouraged me otherwise. My husband and I have discussed this many times and keep coming back to the philosophy that learning to go on the toilet is all about control and therefore our daughter needs to have control over the process. It is her body. So we are trying our best to let her lead the process (not always an easy approach for someone like myself who likes to be in the lead).

My worry is that what she is experiencing at the Daycare is not helping. We have talked with our otherwise wonderful child care provider about not pushing. We have asked her to not talk about it all the time and not make a big deal when she has accidents. We have especially ask her to try and not let on that she is frustrated with our child- because our very intuitive child will pick up on that in a second. Which- of course- is pretty difficult. I often have trouble hiding my frustration.

The problem is that I know our daycare provider has very good intentions. She has used a method of potty training with many many other kids that includes many many gentle reminders every day about letting her know when they need to go and encouraging them to use the toilet. I don’t not believe she is scolding or shaming her. But I do believe that making it a constant conversation is not helping our kid- who needs to feel like she is taking the lead, not bending to someone else preferences. All I do know is that when our child comes home she often tells me she doesn’t want to go back to day care and that she thinks our daycare provider is mad at her.

I also worry that the other kids are making a big deal about it as well. All the other kids there of the same age are already in underwear. And I know they are pointing it out every time A has an accident.

I guess I shouldn’t say that I know. Truth is I don’t really know what is happening at the daycare. I know that, in principle, our daycare provider understands our wishes that our child should not be pushed and should be left to figure this out in her own time. We have had numerous discussions about it. But in practice I worry she just can’t help herself but continue the pattern of reminder after reminder. And I know she is trying not to be frustrated or make our child feel ashamed- but that is the message A is getting.

I don’t know what to do, really. I know that this child care situation is otherwise ideal for us. The general philosophy of this day care is right in line with what we want- lots of outdoor play, healthy snacks, good boundaries with a caring approach, art and music daily, encouraging the children to do things independently like put on their own jackets and boots. Not to mention it is close enough to walk to and as reasonable on the budget child care can be.

We aren’t seriously considering pulling her out of the Daycare. We can’t. We both have to work and I don’t see a different care situation that will be any better for her. I know she will figure this out in her own time- it just may take longer then if she was left to her own devices. But such is life. She won’t go to college in pull ups.

But it is a difficult thing- when the care you have for your child is not exactly what you want. Putting your kid in child care means you can’t always control what is happening. And I imagine child care professionals are often caught between a rock and a hard place- they need to treat all the kids the same because consistency is important– but parents want their children treated the way they feel best. These two are bound to come into odds with one another. So as a parent- what do you do? And as a care provider- what do you do?

This isn’t the first time we have experienced this either- at our last day home in Calgary we were not very happy with the type of food the kids were eating- too much processes stuff and treats. But it didn’t seem right to ask that our child eat something different nor that we ask our care provider to change the food. In that case we just waited it out because we knew we were moving.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that has had this conundrum before. I’d love to hear about your experience and how you handled it.

Sorry about the Tumble Weeds

tumbleweeds 300x225 Sorry about the Tumble Weeds

Photo by Mike_fleming via Flickr Creative Commons

Sorry about the tumble weeds all. I will write again- but I am taking a impromptu creative break. I’m a little stressed out and I find it really difficult to write when I am stressed out. So I will return when that stress decreases a little.

In the meantime- how are you all?

 

Blogging Karma and Toddler Valentines take 2

Every blogger knows the dangers of blogging Karma. It’s a special kind of karma, the blogger kind. And one that you accept is pretty much inevitable. At some time, at some point, something you write will come back and bite you in the ass. This will happen more then once, probably.

Last year I wrote a post about how I think it is ridiculous for toddlers to exchange Valentines. Or at least, it is ridiculous for parents to buy a whole bunch of valentines cards, fill them out on behalf of their toddler and then take them and give them to their toddlers friends. It just seems like an other one of those things we seem to do as parents, not because it matters to our kids, but because every other parent is doing it so it feels like we ‘should’.

The caveat that I gave in that post was that if your toddler asked to make cards and then made them themselves. I have nothing against the holiday of valentines and I do think it is cute how kids want to show how much they care. But, I am an advocate of minimal parental involvement when it comes to such things. I think it should be something they do because they want to, rather then some sort of parental “keeping up with the Jones”.

So, guess who has been obsessed with making Valentines cards this year? Guess who has spent the better part of the last week making me cut out construction paper hearts so she can make dozens upon dozens of Valentines cards? Bahaahahaaaaaa!

Blogging Karma, my friends. Blogging karma.

I give you, the Valentines Day card factory that is Audrey’s craft table:

valentines 300x225 Blogging Karma and Toddler Valentines take 2

Exhibit A: Toddlers Valentines Day Card Obsession

I have no idea who all these cards are for… but if anyone wants a card from Audrey, just let me know. I am sure we will have extras.

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

Thoughts on Public Education

Education 300x300 Thoughts on Public Education

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography via Flickr Creative Commons

Education has become a topic of conversation amongst many parents in my circle of friends. With most of my ‘mommy peers’ have children beyond the baby years, the decisions about preschools and kindergartens are getting closer and closer. And so, though Audrey is still a ways away from kindergarten, the topic of public education has started to swirl around in my mind.

Luckily, this is not my first introduction to concepts of Education. I work in Post Secondary Education- and so the topic of the impacts of public education on students- particularly as it relates to their future careers- is something I am fairly well versed in. I have also been paying close attention to a number of twitter friends and other mommy bloggers who are well into the trials and tribulations of school age children. I have always been interested in Education and Education politics.

Now, before I start sharing my thoughts, I will again repeat that I strongly and truly believe that each parent is their own best decision maker when it comes to their kid. Every kid is different and we all need to try and make decisions that we think are best for our kid. The Public/Private/Home school education choice is no different.

I believe too, especially in Canada, we have a pretty good system of choice between those options. It seems there are more and more Private (or Charter) schools cropping up with unique educational focuses or philosophies. I  also understand that the popularity of homeschooling has increased and there is more support now for parents who choose that option. (When I say support I mean, it is a more normalized option in public opinion and that there are resources out there to help parents who choose to home school develop curriculum, ect.) There are certainly individual family circumstances, including financial, time constraints and personal skills and abilities*, that impacts the ability to explore the different options for schooling- but I think there is much more choice now then there was when I was growing up. Which is good.

My husband and I haven’t really started talking seriously about this decision yet. I believe my husband (I hate speaking for him, but I think I am right on this one) has thought more about Private school options then I have– but realistically I doubt we could afford any Private school. I also believe that neither hubby or I would be particularly strong at homeschooling and we need two incomes. We just do. Very likely, the home school option is out. Therefore, from my perspective at least, Audrey is likely going to public school.

Despite that, I certainly have some bones to pick with public education. I suspect I will be one of ‘those’ parents. Some of my core issues include:

Homework: From what I have heard from some other Canadian parents- the amount of homework students receive is insane. I strongly believe that homework adds little value and that children need free time to play. Beyond that, it is more then just homework. It seems to me that public education also encourages kids to spend much of their free time ‘involved in something’. I remember 5 day a week morning band practice, 3 day a week after school basketball, ect. ect. and a plethora of other opportunities I passed up because I just could not fit them in. Over scheduling has become a hot topic.

Quality of Teaching: The system has some amazing teachers and some really bad ones. I know this from personal experience. A child’s perspective of themselves and their skills, abilities and intelligence can be very strongly impacted by the experience they have in school, and not always for the better. Teachers play a huge role in this. I know for myself that I had some amazing teachers who really, made me who I am today. I also have strong memories from some really really horrible teachers, who negatively impacted my learning and my self-esteem.

Learning Style: Public Education rewards a very particular learning style: those who absorb information via primarily reading and writing. It also rewards students who are strong at memorization, mathematics and have the ability to quietly sit still. The infuriating reality of this is that is means a certain type of kid is considered ‘smart’ and a certain type of kid is considered ‘not smart’. However, based on my knowledge about careers, our economy needs a very wide diversity of skills and abilities. It needs hands on kinestheitic learners, who can figure out how to build or fix something. It needs great communicators- outgoing and gregarious. It needs feisty risk takers and people that can think in very unique ways to innovate and find solutions. I think our Education system tells many of these people they just don’t add up- because they don’t naturally do well in a situation where they sit in a class 6-8 hours a day and read and write. And above all, I believe our economy needs critical thinkers, problem solvers and people that have a strong ability to self assess and know what they are really, truly good at. Based on the students I talk to- this quality is a rarity and does not seem to be fostered in Public Education at all.

And despite all this- I would still choose Public Education over the other options,* even if I felt our family was in the position to explore those other options. There are a couple reasons for this. First, I believe kids are resilient. I do not believe my job is to make sure things go well for her all the time. I believe there is nothing more character building then overcoming a difficult situation. An other part is that I don’t think that by choosing Home schooling or Private Schooling that I entirely avoid the possibility that my child’s experience won’t be idyllic. No option is perfect.

But more then anything else, I believe deeply in public education. I can’t even explain to you why I believe so deeply it in. I should clarify, it is not that I ‘believe’ in it in the sense that I believe it is perfect. As you can see from above- I really don’t think it is perfect. But I believe in it from a social capital and community building perspective. I would rather have my child in Public school and be one of ‘those’ vocal parents- trying to change it from the inside- then opt out. I think it is partially because I am a glutton for punishment and have a deep ‘save the world’ bent that is currently being largely unfulfilled. Or maybe it is just because I love, love, love a great challenge. I am not sure. As I say, I am not sure at this point I can put into words why, despite the negatives, that I want my child in public education. Because I just do.

What do you think?

*These issues are huge and I think is something we need to be keenly aware of. Even having the option to choose anything other then public school is a privileged situation to be in. Yes, some family’s make huge sacrifices to get their kids in the educational system of their choice- but many more families really just do not have any options.

*Note: This decision is not entirely up to me, obviously, as I have mentioned, what we actually decide to do will have a lot to do with what my husband thinks and the circumstances we find ourselves in when Audrey is ready to go to school.