Last Thursday and Friday, when I picked up my 3 year old daughter from Daycare, she was in tears the moment she saw me. You know the kind of tears that are just beneath the surface that come flowing out the minute you see someone you love- someone you feel safe with? Yeah, those kind of tears. The kind of tears that really break a mothers heart. I can usually handle “I want that and can’t have it” tears and “I fell down and hurt myself tears”, but “I feel bad about myself” tears just get me.
The cause of the tears? A child who is really struggling with learning to use the toilet. Both days she had accidents which, I can only assume, left her feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Each day I have spent a good hour after picking her up re-assuring her that we always love her, we are always proud of her and we don’t care when she learns to use the toilet.
Though I have to admit I have been tempted, more then once, to give her a subtle or not so subtle push to move forward in learning to use the toilet, my better sense and my knowledgeable family, have encouraged me otherwise. My husband and I have discussed this many times and keep coming back to the philosophy that learning to go on the toilet is all about control and therefore our daughter needs to have control over the process. It is her body. So we are trying our best to let her lead the process (not always an easy approach for someone like myself who likes to be in the lead).
My worry is that what she is experiencing at the Daycare is not helping. We have talked with our otherwise wonderful child care provider about not pushing. We have asked her to not talk about it all the time and not make a big deal when she has accidents. We have especially ask her to try and not let on that she is frustrated with our child- because our very intuitive child will pick up on that in a second. Which- of course- is pretty difficult. I often have trouble hiding my frustration.
The problem is that I know our daycare provider has very good intentions. She has used a method of potty training with many many other kids that includes many many gentle reminders every day about letting her know when they need to go and encouraging them to use the toilet. I don’t not believe she is scolding or shaming her. But I do believe that making it a constant conversation is not helping our kid- who needs to feel like she is taking the lead, not bending to someone else preferences. All I do know is that when our child comes home she often tells me she doesn’t want to go back to day care and that she thinks our daycare provider is mad at her.
I also worry that the other kids are making a big deal about it as well. All the other kids there of the same age are already in underwear. And I know they are pointing it out every time A has an accident.
I guess I shouldn’t say that I know. Truth is I don’t really know what is happening at the daycare. I know that, in principle, our daycare provider understands our wishes that our child should not be pushed and should be left to figure this out in her own time. We have had numerous discussions about it. But in practice I worry she just can’t help herself but continue the pattern of reminder after reminder. And I know she is trying not to be frustrated or make our child feel ashamed- but that is the message A is getting.
I don’t know what to do, really. I know that this child care situation is otherwise ideal for us. The general philosophy of this day care is right in line with what we want- lots of outdoor play, healthy snacks, good boundaries with a caring approach, art and music daily, encouraging the children to do things independently like put on their own jackets and boots. Not to mention it is close enough to walk to and as reasonable on the budget child care can be.
We aren’t seriously considering pulling her out of the Daycare. We can’t. We both have to work and I don’t see a different care situation that will be any better for her. I know she will figure this out in her own time- it just may take longer then if she was left to her own devices. But such is life. She won’t go to college in pull ups.
But it is a difficult thing- when the care you have for your child is not exactly what you want. Putting your kid in child care means you can’t always control what is happening. And I imagine child care professionals are often caught between a rock and a hard place- they need to treat all the kids the same because consistency is important– but parents want their children treated the way they feel best. These two are bound to come into odds with one another. So as a parent- what do you do? And as a care provider- what do you do?
This isn’t the first time we have experienced this either- at our last day home in Calgary we were not very happy with the type of food the kids were eating- too much processes stuff and treats. But it didn’t seem right to ask that our child eat something different nor that we ask our care provider to change the food. In that case we just waited it out because we knew we were moving.
I’m sure I’m not the only one that has had this conundrum before. I’d love to hear about your experience and how you handled it.
