I am still thinking about the discussion over at Mama Eve’s blog about the phrase “I won’t let you” as a tool for toddler discipline. I loved Suchada’s post, but was quite surprised by some of the comments, particularly on Facebook, that this phrase was “too controlling”.
Why, as parents, are we afraid of being in control? That’s our job.
I get that there is a backlash to the parenting-of-old where parents barked orders and answered objections with “because I said so”. I too want to have a relationship with my child where we discuss things, are open with each other, where I support her, and where there is an atmosphere of mutual respect. I agree with having choices and admitting I’m not perfect and make mistakes. I try my best not to yell or get angry.
That being said, I also believe, very strongly, that toddlers, children and teenagers need limits and boundaries. I believe it creates a structured and predictable environment that supports them to develop psychologically and learn emotion self-regulation. I believe that parents are and should be the ultimate authority- the final say.
I don’t think the phrase “I won’t let you” or “No” or “We have discussed this enough, end of conversation” are in any way too controlling. Our children expect and want us to be in control. Not dictators, but leaders. Calm, kind, but firm. I strongly believe there is no benefit to a child who has become the boss of the family, with everyone catering to their whims.
That all being said, my struggle is always this; I believe in two contradictory parenting concepts at the same time.
1) Pick your Battles
2) Do not let your child become the boss
Do you see the contradiction?
Because if you trying to avoid a battle, the result is often catering to the child’s whims, which make them feel that they are the boss. So ridiculous or not, do you have to fight every battle to avoid the child taking over the leadership role?
What I have observed is that almost all toddler battles seem to be about control. As in the toddler is trying to test to see just how much control and influence they can wield over everyone else. Even in battles fueled by the toddler trinity of terror: tired, hungry and overstimulated; the weapon the toddler tries to brandish around is control.
Its their job to test and find limits. And they are persistent, they test and test and test again, until they find a chink in your armor.
So what you do with those stupid little tests/battles?
You know. The “I don’t want that spoon. Different one” or “Noooo, I wanna wear that one” or “I want strawberries….(3 minutes later once strawberries are cut up) No, I don’t want strawberries.” If you have a toddler, I am sure you’ve been there.
I get, 100%, that all these things are a test. Not malicious, but a test. If I do this, how will mommy react? Its all an experiment; part of learning. Toddlers are amazingly thorough Scientists.
So my goal is to be as predicable as possible. Its the only way for the tests to end.
But I don’t want a battle on every front and I don’t want a melt down at every corner, just because I am trying to stay in control.
Here is what I have learned. Being in control is not about controlling every second, choice or action. It is about staying calm and predicable and not catering to demands to avoid temper tantrums.
So here is my method:
Toddler: Crazy request
Me: Makes sure crazy request was asked in a polite way (like “Mommy, I want different spoon please.”) and then I oblige crazy request.
Toddler: No, I want to reverse my crazy request and go back to how it was before.
Me: No, I just did what you asked, we are not go back.
Toddler: meltdown
Me: continue to interact, but ignore the behaviour of the meltdown. Essentially, don’t totally ignore, but also pretend as if she isn’t crying. Don’t try to calm her or appease her or apologize to her, just continue on as if she is perfectly fine.
I use this method as much as possible. When she is calm and asks politely, my reaction is ‘sure, whatever’ (unless I feel strongly about it like not wanting her to watch too much T.V. or have an extra 25 cookies). If I react in a nonchalant way, then it can’t be a battle because I haven’t lost if I don’t care. If she wants to turn it into a battle by pushing it beyond a polite request, then I give a simple, calm short explanation of no and let her react as she may.
It seems to work. I find things are only a battle if you make them a battle, especially when it comes to meltdowns. If you can make peace with the meltdowns and learn to expect rather then fear them, it makes it a heck of a lot easier. After all, she is her own person. If she needs to express those emotions- go for it. My job is to make sure that she has a safe place to do that in, while at the same time not ‘rewarding’ the behaviour by changing my mind to accommodate her crazy toddler whims.
I know, I have made this sound easy. It’s not. I often think about situations later and think about how I am not sure I struck the right balance. I something think I was too rigid and other times I think I was too accommodating. I try to be as predictable as possible- but those toddlers are great curve ball throwers and great at catching one off guard. So I am far from perfect, which is also something I accept and expect about myself.
The days when I can walk this fine tightrope between ‘pick your battles’ and ‘keep being the leader’ fairly successfully are the best ones, for all involved.
What do you think? Do you worry about being too controlling with your toddler? Have you found a way to find a balance? What do you do with crazy toddler requests?
Great post. I especially love this: “Being in control is not about controlling every second, choice or action. It is about staying calm and predicable and not catering to demands to avoid temper tantrums.” I feel the need to print that and stick it on my fridge!
I believe in picking battles as well, and picking the ones I can win
B changes his clothes 8 times a day lately, but we don’t battle over it. If he wants another shirt, the one he’s wearing needs to be put away, not tossed on the floor. (It’s a work in progress …)
I think your strategy of letting her express her emotions while keeping yours steady is a great one. I struggle with remaining calm in the face of a meltdown. I know it works and yet I have to consistently tell myself to do it.
I’m along similar lines to you. Asking politely is the most important, but then sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no. Mommy and Daddy are the law, and there isn’t much room for discussion. I’m fairly permissive with Kale but we have some basic rules and boundaries we follow about things like television, treats, etc. If Kale wants to wear a particular shirt or a certain coloured bowl that’s fine. As an adult I get to make those choices for myself and his choice to have the pink bowl, for example, doesn’t matter one bit to me as long as he eats the food in it without complaint. I do say no to Kale sometimes just to say no.
I have a couple of favorite lines – and your post hit home.
I also believe in chosing your battles and letting them feel little victories if it is possible.
However, I also…
As you do tell my daughter that I have a job to do (or it is in my contract as a Mom) and sometimes that means saying no.
Or, simply say “I have answered your question and given you the reason why I am saying no – we are not talking about it any futher”
Applause! Thank you, Kathleen. I love the way your first paragraphs addresses the negative knee-jerk reaction many of us have to words like ‘control’ (when the alternative is ‘out of control’!) and I’ll add: authority, boundaries, misbehavior, consequences, etc. But when we shy away from those words and from being in charge, we end up causing our child to have to act out even more. Then (according to the posts I’m reading lately) we lose it, scream and punish our kids. It’s better to be calm and in control, isn’t it? I know it’s better for our children.
@Jocelyn, I love your “lines”. My ace-in-the-hole has always been, “You are a very special girl and I have to do an especially good job taking care of you, so the answer is no.” Besides being totally true, it’s always made me feel better about being the bad guy.
There’s controlling and there’s being in control. As parents I think we need to avoid one and rely on the other. That’s not to say that I’m good at being in control all the time (J is just really starting to push the boundaries of behavior with us, and I can’t say that either of us have our responses down all that well)., but that’s part of the role of parent in my opinion.
Toddlers are crazy, and they require at least a measure of a level hand to learn to navigate this world.
Kathleen, I agree with some of what you’ve said and I can relate to the ways you handle toddler meltdowns. But I have concern over some of your word choices; as the way we choose to frame and label our relationships and interactions with our children colors the way we look at them.
Using words like “battle” and “boss” and “win/lose” sets up an adversarial tone to the relationship.
Once toddlers become older – particularly if they have a very strong sense of self and big personalities and strong wills – looking at every interaction as a battle or every expression as trying to win, creates so much unneeded tension. Once they develop real words and deeper communication skills and empathy, you don’t want them approaching every interaction as a potential battleground. Kids shouldn’t be our adversaries. We aren’t in battle with one another.
That of course is the ideal. Realistically, while I’m always reaching towards finding more peace in our relationships, I find my role as a guide instead of a boss, to be a challenging one at times, particularly in the midst of a tantrum. Perhaps because it is in the midst of a tantrum when a little one needs the most steady guidance; and that much expression by a child can be uncomfortable to me as a parent. Yet I still try not to look at it as a win-lose situation, but rather as an expression of desire or need. I remind myself that walking away (from a “battle”) isn’t losing. It’s showing self-control.
My role as a parent ISN’T to control the tantrum; it isn’t to control my child. The ONLY person I can control is myself. Through showing my little one my own ability to stay calm in a storm, I am teaching through example, leading with calmness and empathy.
It boils down to this: Life has enough battles and struggles – I want my home to be a haven where free expression is welcome, even when it makes me uncomfortable.
First, thank you for this comment, I have been mulling away at it all day and there is lots here to respond to. Some I think I will do with an other blog post. For here, I want to respond to 2 key things.
1) I understand and appreciate what you are saying about framing. I wrote the post with that terminology, because, on a bad day, that is the authentic reflection of how it feels to me and I very much believe in presenting how I feel in an honest way. And I suspect others can relate to that feeling.
2) I know, from previous conversations we have had that you and i take a different approach. We agree on some things, but i think overall have very different perspectives. Certainly i don’t want an adversarial relationship with my child- but i believe having clear boundaries and staying firmly in the leadership role prevents thats adversarial relationship, not perpetuates it. I agree that we can only control ourselves. Staying the leader to me means respecting my daughter as her own person with a right to her emotions, while still Holding firm on the boundaries she needs.
One last thing (I can’t help myself
) Walking away from a “battle” and giving into a battle are two very different things. One is self control, the other is allowing the child to dictate your behavior and choices, aka, giving them the leadership role. Which we are all going to do sometimes- but it shouldn’t be the method we strive for when dealing with tantrums.
I agree that I want my my home to be one that welcomes self expression– I said nothing about squelching dissent. My kid can express her dissatisfaction all she wants- but generally that doesn’t change my behavior.
Though I do believe in admitting as parents when we make mistakes and being willing to reverse decisions and admit we are wrong. This too teaches a lesson.
My kid doesn’t have tantrums, she cries. I struggle a lot because she is a highly sensitive kid and when she cries there is real sadness behind it. I try to separate dealing with her feelings from giving her what she wants. She knows that crying doesn’t make me change my mind but she also knows that when she’s sad I will sit with her and talk to her about how she’s feeling.
That being said, when she starts crying about something that seems so trivial to me it can be frustrating to have to spend 15 to 20 minutes on the couch helping her work through her feelings.
I do believe that setting clear boundaries is an essential part of parenting, the question is: how does that look for you? In our family I am both the firm hand and the soother of feelings so I have to bring both of those to bear in every situation. Now that she’s 4 and more articulate I’m focusing more on teaching her how to talk about her feelings and better understand them.
I was going to say more, but then I realized I was writing a whole freaking post so I guess I’ll leave it at that. I really hope that was coherent.
I’ve had to learn a lot of this the hard way because my oldest daughter started tantruming around 20 months and, while she has slowed down, hasn’t stopped yet (she turned 3 in April). I often find I have a hard time finding the balance between permissive (like Jen said – if she wants a certain colour bowl who cares) and structured. And I use the line “end of discussion” a lot these days.
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