The other day I had my first twitter ‘debate’ in a long time. I’ve managed to keep myself out and away from most controversial discussions lately- with so many life changes I lack the emotional energy to really get into it. But I found myself drawn into one and it brought me right back to the theme I so often discuss on this blog.
So I thought I would write about it as this month’s contribution to “The Mom Pledge”.
Just in case you have no idea what the “Mom Pledge” is, here is a link to my first post about it and here is the link to their website.
First a run down on the discussion:
I read a post by @AmberStrocel about strollers for toddlers– a topic I didn’t even consider to be controversial. I suppose I assumed all the controversial topics were those classic baby ones about sleeping, feeding, ect. But oh no, toddlers have their controversial topics too! Anyway, I retweeted the link to Amber’s post and got a comment from a twitter follower that she disagrees with strollers for toddlers. Her main two arguments were: 1) it ‘infantizes’ them and 2) they don’t get enough exercise and we focus so much on what they eat, but don’t focus on how to get them more exercise.
My point was this: I hear what you are saying. Yes, toddlers need more exercise and I certianly believe we need to believe that our toddlers are capable and give them the opportunity to be ‘grown up’– but every family/child/circumstance is different and you do what you can. Beyond that, you really can’t make the assumption that a three year old in a stroller doesn’t get enough exercise. When you see an individual on the street you are seeing a very very small snap shot of their life. You don’t know their story, what they did earlier that day or what they plan to do next week. Put even more simply– a toddler without a stroller does make a healthy toddler be. I just wanted her to build in some wiggle room to her perspective. Which really I have no control over– but if I am really honest with myself I like to try and influence others when I can.
The debate didn’t really get that out of hand- but there were certainly feelings of judgment and criticism going on.
Afterward I wondered if I did the right thing to engage in the discussion. I am always always torn on this topic. I love to debate, discuss and share perspectives. I write to engage and I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts. I have even gotten better at accepting that sometimes when I share my thoughts I get heat for it. But I also don’t like people to feel judged, jumped on, put down or harshly criticized. I value that I am an empathetic person– and try to stay attuned to others feelings.
The problem is that I feel we have a lost art of debate in our culture. It is very very difficult for most of us to disagree and not take it personally. I mean, as mothers, we give everything to our children. Many of us litterly grew them inside of us and sustained them nutritionally for many months afterwards. All of us would lay down our life for them. I think, given this, it is very very hard to engage in a discussion with someone who has an opposing view without taking is personally. Possible. But difficult. Being a parent, is, by definition, personal. Amber actually wrote a great great post a couple days ago about what had happened and I think she did an amazing job of explaining that personal reaction we feel when it seems our parenting is being judged. Check it out.
Beyond just discussions of parenting, I think in general our society really struggles with debate because of our fear of conflict. You would think that as our society becomes more and more diverse and we are faced with more and more people with different backgrounds, believes and perspectives, we would be getting better at talking about what we think without it getting personal. It seems to me though that most of us are deeply concerned with what others think of us and deeply avoidant of debate, disagreement and ‘conflict’. We are worried about being judged and worried about hurting others.
All this worry though, threatens our ability to really talk as a society about the issues that matter. While I understand that part of how ‘society’ works is the process of individuals caring what others think, such as to facilitate the process of society norms being developed and allow them to shift with changing societal beliefs. But those beliefs can’t shift or develop if we can’t have a really good open discussion about it, without it breaking down into a personal discussion with hurt feelings, name calling, frustration and, in some cases, a very simplified view of the issue. (This was not entirely the case for this discussion, but comes to mind in a lot of political debates where the issue isn’t really discussed- both sides just simplify and vilify the other point of view to try and win over the public.)
Now a discussion about if you should put a three year old in a stroller is probably not going to change the world. But certianly the cumulation of all the ways in which we interact and engage with our child can. Part of the reason I love writing about parenting is because I truely believe that societal norms around raising children have a huge impact on society writ large- it reflects our beliefs and culture and those kids grow up and become tommorows leaders (to be cliche about it).
Back to my point. I struggle with debate. I love it. And usually when you first start engaging in a discussion it is reasonable, productive and interesting. The problem is that it deteriorates- and when it does I don’t know how to respond. I try to walk away. Conceed something and let it go.
But sometimes I want to keep going. I want to win. I want to change minds.
The problem is that that approach almost never ends well.
And I am deeply committed to the concept behind “The Mom Pledge”. We need to work together and support each other– not knock each other down. Knocking someone down is almost guarnteed not to change their mind- in my opinion.
In this case- I walked away. Presented my perspective and nuetrally as I could and then just let it go. Maybe the discussion can be had an other day.
Ugh, it’s so hard to walk away, isn’t it? Good for you for not feeding the debate monster. I’m horrible… I want to be a mind-changer too, and you are so right. It never ends well. Thank you for the reminder to step back from the keyboard and let go.
I think that part of the issue with social media is that the internet is the wrong place for substantive discussion and debate. When you’re trying to boil your argument down into 140 characters or less, and you can’t see (and likely never HAVE seen) the person you’re debating with, it’s difficult to have a cogent and considerate discussion. The computer screen makes it only too easy to forget that the person on the other end is actually a person with feelings who deserves our respect regardless of whether we agree with him or her.
I enjoy debate. I enjoy engaging in debate. I do not enjoy engaging in debate online, and especially not on social media. Everything just seems to devolve very quickly from, “Here is what I think …” to, “You suck because you think …” Not cool, people.
PS – I was really surprised that my stroller post, of all things, was the one that caused my first Twitter debate. Who would have imagined?
Amber- I think your totally right. That 140 characters is just not conducive to substantive debate. After reading your response though, I am curious- in what situations do you find substantive debate helpful? The reason I ask is that I think for many people we engage as a community more online then we do in person. There are fewer and fewer opportunities to have a public discussion in person and more and more to talk online. So if online is not conducive to productive discussion– what does that mean for our society in general?
I absolutely agree that we have lost the art of debate in our society. We should be able to discuss issues – big and small – with civility and respect. And it should be OK to disagree without things turning ugly.
And, to the comments above about in person or online, I don’t think we do that great a job in person, either. But it shouldn’t matter how we debate. We should still be able to treat each other with respect.
And, maybe we can stop thinking about it as winning versus losing. Discussion is about sharing opinions and ideas and taking the opportunity to open our minds and learn.