We all do, don’t we? Compare ourselves to others? We compare how we look to how others look. We compare our careers to others, our homes to others, our stuff to others. We compare how many friends we have or how much money we have. The list goes on.
And then we become parents. And a whole other world of comparisons begin. We drive ourselves mad, really. At least, I know there have been times when I drove myself mad.
A while ago, I saw this pin on Pinterest.
Source: insidejennyshead.blogspot.com via Kathleen on Pinterest
It is so true, isn’t it?
I always think about the scenario where I was sitting with a bunch of Mom’s in a Mommy Group, a few weeks after my daughter was born. And I was talking to that Mom. You know that Mom, who no matter what, always says things are wonderful? Her child sleeps, eats and never cry’s. I don’t know about you, but I could not stop myself from believing she was lying. And if she wasn’t lying, I kinda hated her. Not really, but you know. Especially after I pulled an all night-er to try and feed a screaming child, using a supplemental nursing system and pumping and nursing round the clock. It seems that Mom had absolutely no struggles. No issues. No complaints.
Maybe she is just a really really positive person. We certainly need more of those people out there. Really, I had/have no place in questioning what she said or resenting that she was either struggling less or dealing better. Even if her baby was an angel baby and even if she was amazingly talented a dealing with struggles, I am sure there must have been some struggles. Who’s life is free of challenge? Actually, the most saddening possibility is that she was struggling and didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with the support of the mommy group. Maybe we didn’t seem so supportive. Maybe she just didn’t want to share. All this to say that the truth, the real truth, is that no one has it easy. No one.
And yet we rarely see each other struggle. We work hard to cover it up, minimize it and put on a good front. In the process, we go through this process of internalizing our struggles and then comparing ourselves to everyone else. Even when we say we are opening up, we are often still censoring and masking at least part of what’s going on.
Everyone else seems to have it together. Why don’t I have it together?
The insecurity builds.
I was talking with a friend a couple months back about parenting. And we were thinking about how we feel about ourselves as parents base on the internal frustration and down right annoyance we sometimes feel towards our children. The voice in our head that says “Grrrr, my kid is driving me nuts!”. We were joking that it is a good thing that we don’t judge our parenting based on this inside voice, because we would likely all consider ourselves less then stellar parents. But how we feel on the outside is different then the calm and caring tone we use with our children (as much as we possibility can.)
That made me think even more about the whole concept of our internal experience versus the external persona we see of everyone else. No wonder everyone else looks so together and when we sometimes feel like we are falling apart!
Then there is the media- which has an ironic dual impact on our perception of ourself compared to others. When we watch movies, tv and look at beautiful movie stars we get very unrealistic view of life. Fairy tale endings, happily ever after, money, fame, ect. Perfect mothers and happy sitcom families. An even more unrealistic picture then that glossy persona we sometimes put on for each other in ‘real life’. I really believe that those images of happily ever after have had a negative impact on healthy expectations for our lives.
And at the same time there is reality tv and talk shows. Which, though I will admitted I have been entertained by here and there- are really a voyeuristic look at people who are more messed up then we are. I’m convinced that’s a big part of why people watch those shows. But they are so unrealistically out of proportion to the struggles of most people they don’t seem real either.
I have said before, just about the only thing I have seen on tv that comes close to accurately depicting the internal and external struggles of the every day family is the show Parenthood.
So what’s my point? First, that it is important to remember that others are feeling things inside that you will never see. To me, this is a good reason to be compassionate and forgiving- of both ourselves and others. Second, let’s talk. We are all human- so when we meet a friend we feel close to- put down the mask. Let’s feel comfortable to be ourselves- messy insides and all.
Reader mail and Toddler Tantrums
The other day I got a lovely e-mail from a reader who was asking for advice. I was totally flattered and a bit surprised. As I say in my “About Me”, I am not an expert, just a Mom who likes to share her thoughts and ideas and maybe even some suggestions. After answering this Mom’s request, I asked if I could post the exchange on my blog. Because I thought it may be of interest to others as well.
Before I share it with you I just want to be really upfront about something. As I was writing back to this Mom and considering posting this here I was thinking: “Who am I to give advice? I get frustrated with my kid sometimes. I feel sometimes that I am not a great parent and I could do better. And I certainly don’t have it all figured out. So really, who am I?” The more I thought about this the more a made peace with it. Because I think advice from a peer, rather then an expert, is really valuable. It is a reassurance that you are not alone, a reminder of what you are already doing that works and a few little ideas that may be just new enough to give you a little help along the way. It is not about me “knowing” and someone else “not knowing”, it is about supporting one an other. So here it is:
Hello,
I just read your blog about toddlers throwing tantrums and being in control. I realize you wrote it last June, but I was hoping you wouldn’t mind me asking for some advice. I had a second baby when my toddler was just about to turn two, and I think most of the time we gave into the tantrums just because we were so stressed with a newborn. Now it’s been a year and he’s almost 3 and thinks he runs the house. My husband and I are trying to be more in control, but sometimes I just want to scream because he always bursts into tears over (it seems like) everything.
Just today I let him watch a little extra tv before nap and then when he went up to this room, he wanted to watch even more. He cried so much that he woke up my youngest. (something that really upset me). I let him just cry in his bed. I wasn’t sure what else to do. It wasn’t the right time for a time out.
Sometimes you said that you do give in, like the certain spoon. My 3 year old is doing that too. He always wants a new spoon he got for Christmas. I’ve been letting him have it, but I have to wash it all the time. He drives me crazy sometimes.
I’m thinking about recording something at night that says “Mommy is the boss; you have to do what mommy says” to play softly while he sleeps. Just kidding!! Ha ha
Thanks for any advice,
(I have left out this Mom’s name at her request)
My response:
Thank you for your e-mail! I am so flattered that you asked for advice based on my post. I am happy to help any way I can. First though, I think your idea for toddler subliminal messaging night time music is brilliant. Let’s market that!
I don’t know if this will help or not, but it sounds to me like what you are describing is 100% normal toddler behaviour and your reaction to it is also 100% normal. Based on my conversations with other parents on and off line, I can say with some certainty that what is happening in your house is happening in millions of houses which happen to be occupied by a toddler. Which doesn’t make it better, I know, but sometimes it is good to know you are not alone. I know I have also felt on more then one occasion that I also want to scream because my daughter also bursts into tears whenever she doesn’t get her way.
My toddler is also almost three, and despite my husband and my best intentions to try and not let her run the house, it feels often that she also believes she is in charge. I think it feels this way because many many almost three year olds do believe they are in charge. While I think it is good to do whatever we can as parents to set healthy limits, say no when appropriate and stay as calm as possible, the reality is that tantrums and outbursts are normal developmental toddler behaviour. Toddlers are amazing and wonderful but they are also challenging. I don’t know any parent out there who isn’t being drive crazy by their toddler at some point or an other. There are certain behaviours that toddlers exhibit that I don’t really believe any amount of parenting is going to dramatically impact. It is an age and stage thing. The best we can do is try and get by with our sanity intact.
But I do have a few suggestions that I hope help:
#1 Pick your Limits
Figure out the things that are most important to you to not give in on. Maybe it is when nap time is. Maybe it is you get the spoon you get. Maybe it is something else. Make a list. Try and keep it short. Do not budge on that list. Try and be as consistent as possible on that list. Then let the rest go. Don’t not to engage in a power struggle on anything that’s not really important to you. It is just not worth it.
To give you an idea, here are something things that are on my list:
- When it is bedtime, it is bedtime
- If you want something to eat, you ask nicely rather then either raiding the kitchen or crying/whining before I know what you are whining about
- When it is time to leave the house, it is time to leave the house
- No hitting/punching/slapping
- When it is time to turn the TV off, it is time to turn the TV off
#2 Make Peace with Negative Emotion
If he cry’s, acknowledge that he is upset but let him cry. He is his own person and he needs to express his emotions, so let him express his emotions. It is completely reasonable to set healthy limits, but I don’t think as parents we should expect our kids to be happy about it. Everything is a big deal to a toddler. When I think about it from my daughters perspective, I can see how overwhelming it all is– all the new things to learn and do and see. On top of that, they are developing the skills to regulate their emotions– something that even as adults most of us struggle with from time to time. If you can, move him to a different room so he doesn’t wake the baby, or play white noise in baby’s room to reduce the possibility of waking the baby.
#3 Always Give Fair Warning
One of the most effective tools with toddlers I find is letting them know well in advanced what is coming next. Give them 2-3 steps ahead with time frames. Yes, they can’t really tell time (well maybe there are a few toddlers out there that can, but generally not)- but they do understand sequence. For example, I let Audrey watch TV in the morning while I am having a shower and getting ready for work. When I go to get in the shower I say, “Audrey, I am going to have a shower. After I get out of the shower we are going to turn off the TV and I will help you get ready to go to the Day home. Then you will put on your boots and jacket on your own while I put on my makeup.” Then, when I am out of the shower and on my way to get dressed I tell her, “Audrey, I am almost done getting dressed. In one minute we are turning off the TV and I will help you get dressed.” Then, once I am dressed I go to her and say, “Audrey, the one minute is over. We are turning of the TV now. Please come with me to get you dressed.” I can’t tell you how effective I find this. Now, this doesn’t stop the crying all the time- but most of the time it does.
I hope that helps a bit. I know it is not easy. And I know is it extra challenging with two kids instead of one. But I am also sure you are doing a great job. Hang in there!
Sending you supportive vibes!
Happy Chinese New Year!
Photo by kennymatic via Flickr Creative Commons
Today is Chinese New Year and it’s the year of the dragon! From what I understand, Dragon years are suppose to be good ones, full of fortune and prosperity. 2012, did you hear that?
I love Chinese New Year. To me, one of the best things about any holiday is its food. I am more then happy to jump on any holiday bandwagon that I can, particularly if a good part of the holiday is eating great food. Without a doubt, Chinese New Year is one of the best holidays for great food.
I grew up eating a lot of different international cuisines, but Chinese food was one of the first I was introduced to. As a kid, Chinese food was a regular treat for our family. There was a family run restaurant in our neighbourhood that had some of the best Chinese food I have ever had. I have no idea how authentic it was, as I know many people who have grew up or spent time in China criticize the North Americanization of what we think of as Chinese food here. What I do know is that there are dished we ate at this great family run restaurant that I have never found any where else. Some of the dishes I have seen again, but no one makes them as well. I remember learning to use chop sticks at an early age. Calgary has a small Chinatown and I remember going there as a kid too. I loved it. I have no idea how young I was when I first tried Dim Sum (Chinese Brunch), but I do remember eating it when I was in junior high and high school. When I moved to Vancouver to go to University I remember being if awe of the Chinatown here. Each year there is a Chinese New Year Parade, which I love going to, despite my cautious approach to anywhere crowded. Essentially, I have a long standing love of Chinese food and Chinese New Year.
So, I thought, in honour of the New Year, I would share with you my very very favourite Chinese Dim Sum dishes. So if you see them and haven’t tried them before, I highly recommend going for it!
#1: Sticky Rice
Photo by Deb Flickr Creative Commons
What is so lovely about this rice is the flavour. It is wrapped a bamboo leaf and then steamed, creating this almost tea-like flavour to the rice. As the name implies, the rice inside has a glutinous like quality to it. Tucked in the middle of the rice is, well, some stuff. I am never really sure what it is exactly- a combination of meat and vegetables. Normally I prefer to know exactly what is in my food, but when eating Dim Sum I follow different rules. If it tastes good and others are eating it- I am in.
#2: Sesame Balls with Red Bean Paste
Photo via The Unseasoned Wok via Flickr Creative Commons
I find it absolutely fascinating that beans are turned in to dessert in a number of Asian cuisines. I am just starting to make peace with beans and lentils, as a healthy and yummy addition to some dishes that I regularly make. But as a dessert– I am all over them. I don’t want to know how much sugar they put in that red bean paste to make it so good- but it is good. Really good. This particular dessert is a thick, sweet and yummy red bean paste inside a chewy, glutinous rice dough, deep fried and covered with sesame seeds. It may not sound good to someone who hasn’t had the pleasure of trying them before, but they are. Trust me.
#3 Steam Buns with BBQ pork
Photo by Geoff Peters via Flick Creative Commons
I have seen a couple articles about these buns (called Bao) in recent foodie articles. I anticipate they are rapidly making their way into mainstream eating. They are a slightly sweet, soft, cake type dough, steamed with meat inside. The classic is the BBQ pork bun. They sit perfectly on the divide between sweet and savory and are warm and satisfying. They are also on my list of foods to try and learn how to make this year, along with Vietnamese Pho soup.
If you can, try and get your hands on these treats and join in the celebration today!
Survival Strategies for Sick Parents
photo by Enokson via Flickr Creative Commons
One of the hardest things about being a parent is that when you are sick you don’t get to just lay in bed and recover. You just don’t. When you don’t have kids you can live on cans of soup and ginger ale and just let the dished pile up. When you are a parent, you have to, you know, take care of an other human being and they, quite frankly, don’t care two hoots that your not feeling well.
I am finally, (FINALLY, knock on wood) recovering from a three week cold. Three weeks. I am sure that part of the reason it took three weeks to recover, rather then five days, has something to do with the fact that I couldn’t really just rest. There is still a child to feed, dress, put to bed, drive to the dayhome, keep entertained on the weekend and the evenings. And even with a loving supportive husband who does a lot and did a lot more when I was feeling particularly crappy, there is still a lot to do.
I know the title of this post suggested that I had some kind of tips or strategies. I really don’t. In part, its just an other thing that they don’t tell you about before you have kids that you just have to grin and bear it. But I do have a few ideas. I am hoping you will add to them in the comments. There must be some great strategies floating out there in the collective wisdom that is the parenting community! Bring them on!
Survival Strategies:
#1 Quiet activities: Books, colouring, playdough, puzzles- all of these are your friends. Next time I get sick, the first thing I am going to do is go and buy Audrey a new puzzle. (She is OBSESSED with puzzles right now.) Because those quiet toddler activities are a life saver- they allow you to lie half asleep on the couch while your kid (hopefully) can entertain themselves for 3 minutes.
#2 Cut your to do list: Yes there are still things we have to still do even when we are sick. Like, you know, feed the child. But cut out any of the extras. Do not try to be super women/man. Just don’t. Give yourself a break and permission to leave the dishes or let the laundry go unfolded. (My husband knows this was my strategy all too well. At one point I think we had 3 full baskets of clean laundry for a good 5 days before I finally felt well enough to deal with it. Husband would deal with it, except no one would be able to find their clothing if he put it away. Love you honey!)
#3 Ask for help. Full disclosure- I suck at this one. But I think, as parents, we all need to do it more. The truth is that if you get two toddlers together- they will entertain each other. Sometimes two is easier then one. So it would be great if we felt more comfortable as parents asking each other for help. I’ll watch your kids if you aren’t feeling well, you watch mine. Not all the time, but a two hour nap when you feel horrible is a huge help. I think part of the reason I hesitated to do this this time is in part because I really didn’t want to be around friends and get anyone else sick. But in retrospect, it probably would have been fine with some good hand washing and cover your mouth when you cough techniques. Point being, our lives would all be easier if we pooled our collective time (and sanity) more often.
#4 Okay, I’m out of ideas. Do you have any? What helps you get through being sick? How do you cope when you feel horrible and your kid(s) are full of energy?