It’s Personal; Why we don’t Debate

Posted on September 21, 2011 by amoment2think

The other day I had my first twitter ‘debate’ in a long time. I’ve managed to keep myself out and away from most controversial discussions lately- with so many life changes I lack the emotional energy to really get into it. But I found myself drawn into one and it brought me right back to the theme I so often discuss on this blog.

So I thought I would write about it as this month’s contribution to “The Mom Pledge”.

Just in case you have no idea what the “Mom Pledge” is, here is a link to my first post about it and here is the link to their website.

First a run down on the discussion:

I read a post by @AmberStrocel about strollers for toddlers– a topic I didn’t even consider to be controversial. I suppose I assumed all the controversial topics were those classic baby ones about sleeping, feeding, ect. But oh no, toddlers have their controversial topics too! Anyway, I retweeted the link to Amber’s post and got a comment from a twitter follower that she disagrees with strollers for toddlers. Her main two arguments were: 1) it ‘infantizes’ them and 2) they don’t get enough exercise and we focus so much on what they eat, but don’t focus on how to get them more exercise.

My point was this: I hear what you are saying. Yes, toddlers need more exercise and I certianly believe we need to believe that our toddlers are capable and give them the opportunity to be ‘grown up’– but every family/child/circumstance is different and you do what you can. Beyond that, you really can’t make the assumption that a three year old in a stroller doesn’t get enough exercise. When you see an individual on the street you are seeing a very very small snap shot of their life. You don’t know their story, what they did earlier that day or what they plan to do next week. Put even more simply– a toddler without a stroller does make a healthy toddler be. I just wanted her to build in some wiggle room to her perspective. Which really I have no control over– but if I am really honest with myself I like to try and influence others when I can.

The debate didn’t really get that out of hand- but there were certainly feelings of judgment and criticism going on.

Afterward I wondered if I did the right thing to engage in the discussion. I am always always torn on this topic. I love to debate, discuss and share perspectives. I write to engage and I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts. I have even gotten better at accepting that sometimes when I share my thoughts I get heat for it. But I also don’t like people to feel judged, jumped on, put down or harshly criticized. I value that I am an empathetic person– and try to stay attuned to others feelings.

The problem is that I feel we have a lost art of debate in our culture. It is very very difficult for most of us to disagree and not take it personally. I mean, as mothers, we give everything to our children. Many of us litterly grew them inside of us and sustained them nutritionally for many months afterwards. All of us would lay down our life for them. I think, given this, it is very very hard to engage in a discussion with someone who has an opposing view without taking is personally. Possible. But difficult. Being a parent, is, by definition, personal. Amber actually wrote a great great post a couple days ago about what had happened and I think she did an amazing job of explaining that personal reaction we feel when it seems our parenting is being judged. Check it out.

Beyond just discussions of parenting, I think in general our society really struggles with debate because of our fear of conflict. You would think that as our society becomes more and more diverse and we are faced with more and more people with different backgrounds, believes and perspectives, we would be getting better at talking about what we think without it getting personal. It seems to me though that most of us are deeply concerned with what others think of us and deeply avoidant of debate, disagreement and ‘conflict’. We are worried about being judged and worried about hurting others.

All this worry though, threatens our ability to really talk as a society about the issues that matter. While I understand that part of how ‘society’ works is the process of individuals caring what others think, such as to facilitate the process of society norms being developed and allow them to shift with changing societal beliefs. But those beliefs can’t shift or develop if we can’t have a really good open discussion about it, without it breaking down into a personal discussion with hurt feelings, name calling, frustration and, in some cases, a very simplified view of the issue. (This was not entirely the case for this discussion, but comes to mind in a lot of political debates where the issue isn’t really discussed- both sides just simplify and vilify the other point of view to try and win over the public.)

Now a discussion about if you should put a three year old in a stroller is probably not going to change the world. But certianly the cumulation of all the ways in which we interact and engage with our child can. Part of the reason I love writing about parenting is because I truely believe that societal norms around raising children have a huge impact on society writ large- it reflects our beliefs and culture and those kids grow up and become tommorows leaders (to be cliche about it).

Back to my point. I struggle with debate. I love it. And usually when you first start engaging in a discussion it is reasonable, productive and interesting. The problem is that it deteriorates- and when it does I don’t know how to respond. I try to walk away. Conceed something and let it go.

But sometimes I want to keep going. I want to win. I want to change minds.

The problem is that that approach almost never ends well.

And I am deeply committed to the concept behind “The Mom Pledge”. We need to work together and support each other– not knock each other down. Knocking someone down is almost guarnteed not to change their mind- in my opinion.

In this case- I walked away. Presented my perspective and nuetrally as I could and then just let it go. Maybe the discussion can be had an other day.

Mob Mentality

Posted on July 30, 2011 by amoment2think

photo by Robert Couse-Baker via Flickr Creative Commons

I have been thinking a lot lately about “Mob Mentality”. That tendency humans have where a couple influential people jump in on a place, person, idea, critique, action, ect and all of a sudden a huge public mob forms.

That mob can take the form of a physically present large group of people- like the riots in Vancouver not that long ago. More and more though, it is also happening virtually. As in the use of social media to publicly shame said rioters in Vancouver.

One of my favourite bloggers, Amber Strocel, wrote a post recently about the tension between accountability and vigilantism. Go read it.

What this post made me think about is how this mob mentality goes both ways. Sometimes the mob mentality brings people together to do unlawful or unkind things. But it is the same mob mentality that try’s to hold people accountable and get the message across that the actions are not accepted by the community at large. Sometimes this ‘coming together’ of community is a good thing- to stop bad things from happening or to create something good. But sometimes the community that has formed can get out of control and, though they are trying to do good, push beyond coming together into collective vigilantism. This sort of public shaming of the accused, never mind innocent until proven guilty, is just as distressing to me as the bad action in the first place.

Sometimes this mob of public opinion- ready to hold those who move outside the realm of social norms, goes after individuals who beliefs or actions are not unlawful- but perhaps unpopular. Or unpopular amongst a certain group of people with a certain set of beliefs.

The Mommy blogging world is full of this. Angry virtual mobs descending on all sorts of posts, in an unconscious attempt to regulate parenting norms.

Difference being, of course, that while no one seemed to argue that the rioters in Vancouver did a good thing- the online parenting communities social norms are much more fragmented and debated. Pockets of people of agree- but it is rarely a true majority trying to sway a minority on a clear issue.

And yet, we try to hold each other accountable. Accountable to things we don’t all agree on. We think we are taking the high road and being an advocate, but are we really just promoting a form of vigilant justice? More online Mommy bullying? Where is the line between being an advocate and being a part of a mob of public opinion? And when do advocates advocate so strongly that, well they themselves may not be involved in a mob that bullies, they may be inciting others.

I have read many blog posts where, while the blogger posting raised a great argument on an issue they are passionate about in a positive and non-bullying way.. only to have it decent into judgment, bullying and chaos in the comments.

The recent dust up between @dooce and @abdpbt on twitter bothered me. If you didn’t see it go down, you can catch up here. Really, there is not much to catch up on.

That is because this twitter fight took an important societal issue- namely the role of celebrity bloggers in bringing awareness to international aid issues- and ignored it for name calling. This discussion is not new– the question of how various people with wide spread influence on the public should best support and interact with various causes is an ongoing debate. Are they really helping? Are they giving people something actionable to do? Does it do more to promote them then promote the cause? Ect. But that wasn’t what the fight was about. The fight was about a lesser known blogger calling out a well known blogger in what seemed to be a pretty snarky way and then all heck breaking loose as the well known bloggers followers attacked back.

It did nothing to further the conversation about the issue of so-called ‘poverty tourism’ and everything to show online mom’s as snarky, unkind and quite frankly, childish.

The thing with the mob of public opinion is that it is easily swayed by emotion. Not by reasonable debate, respect and sharing of perspectives. It isn’t nuanced in its reaction. It isn’t forgiving or understanding or supportive. The mob of public opinion is, in many cases, an example of the worst treatment of each other that humans can dole out with words.

What gives us the right to pass such judgment on people we don’t even know? Are we without fault?

I often say and write the line “I am human”, which is meant to acknowledge that I am by far perfect and make mistakes regularly. So I assume others make lots of mistakes too. I do not believe public shaming is in anyway a reasonable way to effect change. When the mob goes after a group of people or a perspective or a belief in the name of accountability– I think it does little to actually impact the future. What it does do is show that we, as a community, lack compassion, forgiveness and the basic understanding that we all make mistakes.

This is why, a couple weeks ago, I joined a community of Mom’s committed to stopping online bullying of moms by moms. Check it out my post here and the site here.

What do you think? Where is the line between the normal process of society regulating its own norms and mobs (online and offline) bullying each other? How do you think we change this?

Taking the Mom Pledge

Posted on July 9, 2011 by amoment2think

A couple weeks ago I discovered a breath of fresh air in the parent blogging community. The Mom Pledge blog is dedicated to creating a more positive atmosphere around this sometimes not-so-nice community. (Well, you guys are all really nice- but you know what I am talking about) Their goals really resonate with me: I have always wanted my blog to be a place of engagement and discussion on important/interesting issues but in a tone of respect and appreciation for different perspectives. The goal of The Mom Pledge is to engage as many Mom’s as possible to commit to these values when interacting with other Mom’s.

The Mom Pledge

So I am very happy to say that I am taking the Pledge and I encourage you to as well. Here is the pledge in full, so you know what I am committing to. I would encourage you to visit their site as well and browse around.

“The Mom Pledge

I am a proud to be a mom. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my online activities. I can lead by example.

I pledge to treat my fellow moms with respect. I will acknowledge that there is no one, “right” way to be a good Mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family.

I believe a healthy dialogue on important issues is a good thing. I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind.

I stand up against cyber bullying. My online space reflects who I am and what I believe in. I will not tolerate comments that are rude, condescending or disrespectful.

I refuse to give those who attack a platform. I will remove their remarks with no mention or response. I can take control.

I want to see moms work together to build one another up, not tear each other down. Words can be used as weapons. I will not engage in that behavior.

I affirm that we are a community. As a member, I will strive to foster goodwill among moms. Together, we can make a difference. ”

Once you take the pledge, you can join the community here, like I have.

‘That’ Post and our Blogging Community

Posted on March 16, 2011 by amoment2think

If you have noticed, I often chime in on a blogosphere hot button issues about two weeks after they happen. This is usually because I need a good two weeks to think about what has happened before I feel ready to comment. As usually is with online controversy, many people react quickly, which adds fuel to the fire and builds the drama up even more. That is certainly their prerogative. It is also quite possible that many people are able to digest these types of controversies and draw clear conclusions more quickly then I can. Regardless, forgive me again if I wade in WAY late.

I know some of you may not know what I am talking about. I would put up the link so you could see it for yourself, but after a lot of pressure, it was removed from the site. The quick run down is that there was a guest post on a popular blog. In this guest post, the posts author (another blogger) criticized obese people riding motorized wheel chairs in Disney Land, suggesting that they would lose weight if they walked. That is the very coles notes version, hopefully I portrayed that accurately. In the comments, all hell broke loose as both sides turned very nasty and accusations flew. Enough said.

Truth be told, my response here could apply to many many of the controversial post dust ups in the blogosphere.

I am going to take a somewhat controversial take on this whole thing. There are a couple ‘blogging ethical’ issue that this got me thinking about and I would like to look at each of them.

1) We all say dumb things sometimes, but online, a lot more people can ‘hear’ our mistakes

If we are really honest with ourselves I am sure we have all said something without thinking through what the impact on others would be. At times, we have all been insensitive, lacking empathy and speaking from a perspective of entitlement. Furthermore, we have all said something where we made broad, unreasonable generalizations that we just weren’t informed enough to make. Often, we are wrapped up in our every day lives and the struggles therein. Blogging, for many, encourages this to some extent. Many, if not most, personal blogs are about sharing our everyday lives and struggles. We share our inner thoughts, our frustrations, our challenges. Blogging puts us as individuals at the center of our worlds. This can be a good thing- I believe there is value in hearing each others individual voices, individual stories. But it can, sometimes, also encourage a fairly self-focused perspective. And that’s no excuse for disregarding the experiences and feelings of others. However, I think this is a relevant point when it comes to the point of view we have when we sit down to write.

I guess what I am saying is that we are all flawed. I, like many, found that post offending. But I was deeply disturbed by the accusations and defamation of character that was launched at the blogger who wrote the piece. It seemed guilty of the same thing she was; making harsh and inaccurate assumptions about someone they don’t know. Individuals reading the piece made the assumption she was a horrible human being rather then an flawed individual (which we all are, flawed that is) that made a mistake because she was not considering the bigger perspective.

2) Is it the role of the social community to ‘correct’ each other?

So when someone makes such an error online, is it the online community’s obligation to ‘correct’ it? And if so, what is the appropriate way to ‘correct’ it. I found a lot of things very disturbing about the comments (and twitter discussions) that followed that piece. I found it bothersome how many people chimed in in agreement with the original post. I found it bothersome how many people lashed personal attacks at the blogger. And I found it bothersome how many commenter started attacking each other. The whole thing made me feel sick. Like a big hate-fest.

We would be so much stronger as a community if we just treated each other with respect.

I get that if we see something written we have every right to share our opposing view. I do think there is a social shaping role of the online community- where by we stand up and say something when we see something that is out of line. But we need to do it in a different way. It bothers me a lot how much people feed off negativity.

It bothers me about myself how much I want to know what is going on when drama is a foot. It’s like we can’t turn away. We must watch. We must see the dramatic arguments unfold. There is something messed up about that, no?

3) What is the impact of responding with traffic? Deterrent? Encouragement?

The other thing I saw mentioned a lot was ‘giving traffic’ to the piece. There was a sense that we should not encourage such behaviour and in ‘rewarding’ that post with our traffic hits, we were encouraging. On the flip side, did the amount of talk about that post and the negative backlash serve to deter others from writing something similar? And then there is the even bigger question– Do you have to be controversial and piss people off in order to be a ‘popular’ blogger? Can you get ‘to the top’ of the blogging world if you aren’t both loved and hated?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. I am just saying. I think we need to think about this stuff as a community. What kind of community do we want to have? I do believe blogging is a community and I do believe we can have a more positive impact on the tone of the community.

4) Hidden under inappropriate individual criticism is a reasonable social critique

Okay, now for my really controversial statement. I do not agree at all with what this blogger said. I do not feel her critique of individuals using motorized wheel chairs at Disney Land is appropriate. However. I think what those people who responded favorably to her post where responding to was the very reasonable social critique that we, in North America, have a bad habit of relying on medicine and medical intervention to deal with symptoms caused by poor life style choices. Rather then making the effort to walk a little more and eat a bit better, we look to something else to ease our symptoms. It is part of our whole health system that treats symptoms rather then causes. And for many illnesses our overall lifestyle can have a big impact of the severity of those illnesses.

THAT BEING SAID…. it is one thing to make that broad social critique. The way I stated it (using “we”, “our” and “North Americans”) makes it an “us” problem. Something that, as a society, we can all be guilty of. Something we all need to work on. Something that we see in society as a whole, but not that we apply to specific individuals (that this criticism may or may not be applicable to, because looking at them we can’t know their individual circumstance). That is very different from making it a “you” problem, as the blogger who wrote the piece did. “You” need to change what you are doing. “You” should get up and walk. “You” is particularly tricky because we, as observers, do not know the individual circumstances of any of the “you’s” we might observe. That is what makes the original blog piece not one of social critique, but of individual attack, in my opinion.

But again, that doesn’t make the writer of that post a bad human being. That just makes her a human being. She made a mistake. Or, she feels she needs to be overly snarky to get blog traffic. Either way, neither the individuals she criticized, nor her as the post author, deserve the kind of treatment either received as a result of that post.

Photo by Hansvandenberg30 via Flickr Creative Commons