Paralyzed: This is what anxiety looks like

Posted on May 27, 2011 by amoment2think

Paralyzed seems to be my general life theme right now. I have had a really hard time writing lately and everything in my life feels like it is on hold. I want to get back to writing about topics that really get conversations started, but have been gun shy as of late– worrying that I don’t have the energy for any potential dust ups. But then I feel like something is missing- that trill that a great debate/discussion gives me.

Anyway. I wrote the following a little while ago, in the middle of an anxiety attack. For those of you who don’t know- I have been pretty open about the fact that I have anxiety, but I also haven’t written about it much in detail. In part, because it is hard to do. And in part, because it feels sometimes like a great big overshare. But today I am putting it out there. Mostly because I really feel that mental health needs a great big bright light shone on it. We need to talk about it. We need to get it out there. We need to change the way we address it in society and we need for people to feel they are not alone.

So. This is my experience of anxiety. From what I gather, no two people are really the same when it comes to their experience of anxiety. So I would love to hear from others about what your experience is like. If you don’t have the unique pleasure *read extreme sarcasm* of regular anxiety attacks– perhaps this will allow you to catch a glimpse of someone else’s experience.

underwater 300x200 Paralyzed: This is what anxiety looks like

photo by Ashtyn Renee via Flickr Creative Commons

It’s a feeling the the back of my legs and all across my back. Edginess. Jittery-ness. Like an itch I can’t scratch. Its uncomfortable, in a way I can’t describe. Distracting. Irritating.

I can’t focus. Like my mind is blank and racing at the same time. The intense feeling that something is wrong, well knowing full well that that is not true.

I try to accept and surrender. I hear that’s what takes its power away. I hear that is what stops the cycle.

But for someone who cares so much about feeling in control to, well, not feel in control…. It’s horrible.

I can’t break away.

I sit down to relax, only to flit from one activity to the next. Never staying still for long. Shifting. Trying to find the spot where it doesn’t feel like my skin in crawling.

But no matter where I go. No matter what I do. If the feeling is there nothing can make it go away. But time. Time for the hormones and brain impulses to simmer down and loosen their grip. Time. Time that can’t be measured. It’s unpredictable.

Yeah, sure. It’s kinda like having a migraine. It would probably help to think of it the same way. Migraines are paralyzing and overwhelming and overshadowing.

I wish I could make it go away. Or, at the very least, make the skin crawling feeling go away. I hate the way it radiates up and down my back and up and down the back of my legs. For hours.

Everyone’s experience of anxiety is different. This is mine.

ControverSunday: Mental Health

Posted on February 6, 2011 by amoment2think

The Cheeseblog

I thought a lot about the topic I would cover this week. The open topic challenge was to get up the guts and talk about that thing that we all avoid talking about. That controversial issue that sits there, right near the surface, that people hesitate to go into.

For me, that topic is mental health. Now, I guess I am cheating a little, cause I have talked about mental health before, in reference to my struggles with anxiety. It is not a totally forbidden topic for me. And in the general societal discourse- the topic is coming up more and more.

None the less, it is by far the topic I wish more people talked about. A lot more.

But I am not sure my take on it is controversial. I feel that I am just joining a chorus of voices that really want to bring this topic into our everyday conversation.

For example, I was really excited to see this campaign from Bell:

People are beginning to talk. This is not at all because of just Bell or any other one group, company or individual. It is all those voices adding up. I see it as a good sign.

So what do I wish people would realize and really talk about?

You see, I really think we see mental health issues as something that ‘those people’ have. We think of individuals on the extreme end of living with mental illness. The very visible illnesses: Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia, Obsessive compulsive disorder, ect. And we think of people who are very obviously at the point of not functioning the same way in society as we would.

The problem I have with this is that I truly believe that mental illness works on a bell curve. (no Bell pun intended) ‘They’ say that 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 Canadians experience an episode of mental illness within their lifetime. I disagree. I would suspect that number is much higher. Just like the vast major of people experience some form of physical illness within their life time, I suspect the vast majority of people experience some form of mental illness. I would rather say that the frequency, severity and duration of those episodes puts almost all of us somewhere on a big bell curve, with very mentally well and very mentally unwell on either end of the curve.

Not only that, I would argue that most of us travel back and forth along the curve at different points in our life. Sometimes we are more mentally well and other times we are more mentally unwell.

I think a lot of the conversation has been focused on the extreme. And FOR SURE, there are a lot people with severe mental illness that need support. When you look at the issue of homelessness and poverty, the issues of mental illness and addiction are so intertwined that obviously the lack of focus on mental health in our society is having a devastating impact. But I think this image of mental illness is misleading and tends to dismiss just how wide spread we are all effected by mental health issues. So I wish we would see ourselves as all having the very real potential of becoming mentally unwell, just as we all face the very real potential of becoming physically unwell. When we see mental health as something that is an important part of all of our lives that is when we will really start acknowledging it and talking about it.

I get that we humans have a evolutionary left over instinct to ‘not show our weakness’.. its why so many people don’t like going to the doctor or the dentist… we think it means we will be kicked out of the tribe or left behind. That ‘your pack is only as strong as its weakest member’ mentality… which I guess makes sense when you are trying to get away from cheetahs or something. Regardless, if we want to really enable people to lead the most mentally healthy lives they can, it starts with recognizing just how pervasive mental illness is.

Think of all the stress we have in our lives. The pressure. The balancing of responsibilities and priorities and time lines. It is just plain hard to always have the mental fortitude to deal with those things without that starting to have an impact on ones mental wellness. And the connection between the mental and the physical runs very very deep. I wonder what the physical health of a mentally well society would look like.

That is the awareness piece. The other piece for me is the health care piece. IF mental health and physical health are as intertwined as I believe them to be (and I don’t just believe this cause I do, I have read this often.. I just can’t remember where to find a good source to send you all too) THEN why isn’t there more integration of physical and mental health in our health care system?

The answer to this question is really that our system treats symptoms, not causes. For the most part. Which is why so many people are on medication for mental health issues. Because it is easier to treat the symptoms then it is to set up a system that deals with the causes. And particularly when it comes to mental health, the causes are not something that the health care system can entirely impact. To achieve a mentally healthy society, we would need to look at our lives holistically– our work places, our homes, our recreation, our food, our communities, ect. Though I believe our health care system could play a much better role.

Some parts of the system are now moving in this direction. I know my doctor has special appointments with her and a mental health professional that her patients can sign up for… though there is very limited space in this program. But it does seem that parts of our health care system are recognizing the need. It just needs to go further. Doctors need to be more aware of mental illness and the connection to physical illness. And the path to treatment needs to be easy to navigate.. especially because mental illness often impacts ones motivation and fortitude to navigate the very complex system.

But most of all we need to talk about it.

ControverSunday: Traditional and Natural Medicines for Kids

Posted on September 19, 2010 by amoment2think

Hello, it’s Sunday again!

Also, September, I am not to happy with you. Just needed to get the off my chest.

Okay, so if you are sitting there thinking “What the heck is ControverSunday?” then go check out the ControverSunday page I put together (with a lot of copying and pasting from Perpetua’s ControverSunday page; the original). And to answer your first question, yes, please join in!

Ramble Ramble

So in my “about me” page I state that I am a ‘preferer of natural things’. (Yes, I know preferer is not a word, but I like to make up words. Humor me.). This is applies to food, materials used to make toys, body care products, ect. ect. It also applies to medicine. Especially for kids.

There is no doubt in my mind that we have some wonderful, life saving and absolutely essential tools in our traditional medicine tool kit. We have had a vaccination ContoverSunday before, and while the ‘extra’ stuff in the vaccine and how close and often give those shots to our kids makes me somewhat uncomfortable, I have no doubt in my mind that vaccinations saved millions and millions of lives.

Antibiotics are no different. They are truly an amazing category of medicine and without them…. well not good. But like vaccines I am somewhat uncomfortable with the way they are used in our society. Especially for kids. This feeling I have is 100% informed by personal experience. I had A LOT of infections when I was a kid. Ear, tonsillitis, bladder and sinus. I drank down that banana flavoured liquid a lot. My mother probably has a better perspective on this and maybe it wasn’t all that out of line with what most kids experience, but it seems to me that I was sick and taking antibiotics really often.

I am pretty sure I have written about this part of the story before on this blog, so I will do a coles notes version now. When I was in University I had a sinus infection about once every 3-4 months. For a couple years straight. And then. Someone, I can’t remember who, suggested I take probiotic supplements. That is an increased concentration of the bacteria in yogurt, its purpose is to repopulate your gut with good bacteria and thereby increasing your immune system strength. Viola- not one sinus infection since. I can’t believe that for years doctors just kept on writing me prescriptions for antibiotics and I kept getting sick and not one knew enough about ‘natural’ approaches to suggest something so simple and safe.

Audrey has been taking ‘infant’ probiotics since she was 3 months old. And I am a BIG believer in them.

So I am all for natural remedies for kids. In addition to Audrey’s probiotics, we have also given her a bunch of those homeopathic remedies. Teething, colic, ear ache, ect. I have no idea if they ‘worked’ or she just got better. But our family doctor’s Dad was a homeopathic doctor and she says she had homeopathic remedies all the time as a kid and they seemed to work. At the least they cause no harm.

Now that can’t be said for all natural remedies, I am very aware that just because it is ‘natural’ does not mean it is safe. Many herbs can have a very big impact on your system and if they class with a prescription drug you are taking or if you take then in incorrect doses- not good. But that is also why I STRONGLY believe they should be regulated and brought into the traditional health care system. I believe doctors should know about them and use them, rather then you having to go and see a separate naturopathic doctor. I believe our health care system needs to embrace, study, understand and properly administer natural supplements along with traditional medicines, where appropriate. I know this is unlike, what with the power of drug companies. But it is still my belief.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I don’t like giving Audrey medicine if I can avoid it. We, under close doctor supervision, waited out her first ear infection, because her fever was only very mild and we wanted to avoid antibiotics if possible unless she really needed them. I do believe that we need to be more conservative with our use of medicines so kids can build strong immune systems.

I have one exception. Advil. Remember in my topic announcement I asked if you were ‘fast and easy with the pediatric advil’? I was referring to myself. And it is something that both my husband and I feel great internal conflict over. Great internal conflict. We give Audrey advil too much. I will admit that. I am sure she doesn’t need it as often as we give it to her. But here is the thing. (Not an excuse, just an honest explanation of our thought process). Teething sucks. And those teeth just don’t stop coming. And when she is really worked up we can’t know for sure if she is in pain or if she is just grumpy because, well, she is a toddler. (Same thing for when she was an infant.) So we err on the side of ‘she is probably hurting’ and give her the advil. Don’t worry, it is not a daily thing. But just often enough that I feel guilty about it (ah parenthood). I know we shouldn’t. We are trying to teach her how to say “ow” and explain what that means so maybe we can understand when she is really in pain or not. I don’t know.

But I have confessed now so I feel better.

So, overall, I like to try ‘natural approaches’, even if it is just a bowl of homemade chicken soup, before we go for the medicines. But, if medicines are necessary, then we go for it. Thank goodness we have those options. But I approach it all with some skepticism. After all, a healthy dose of skepticism is good for us all, I think.

ControverSunday: Food, plus bonus late Fess Up Friday

Posted on April 25, 2010 by amoment2think

Thanks again to our lovely host Perpetua and our queen-o-badge Accidents. Go visit them. Oh and go read all the other contributions this week, they are awesome.

This isn’t my first post about food. And it likely won’t be my last. Whether we are talking what A eats, what I eat or what our family as a whole eats… well…. I have a lot to say on the issue. So least this become an 8000 word blog post, I think I will look at two small parts of the pictures.

First, A. I have written complained before about A’s food woes. Some babies have sleep issues. My baby has food issues. Like from day 1. Fast forward 13 months and it is still the most challenging part of our day. But here is where I stand on food for A. I am trying, as best I can, to let her try new things in her own time. What is really important is that what she is trying is healthy. I don’t think there is anything wrong with giving your kid a treat once and a while. But I firmly believe that when it comes to kids and food, 90-95% of what they eat should be healthy and with as little processing as possible. Sugar, preservatives, salt, trans fat, stabilizers and all weird ingredients you can’t pronounce should be avoided. But sure, if they love them some ketchup or arrowroot cookies, fine, let them have it…. 90%-10%. But if your kid eats McDonald’s happy meals every day for lunch and then take out pizza every day for dinner… well….all I can say is that I would beg you to reconsider.

Anyway, back to A. Sure the kid only eats like 7 things. But those 7 things are healthy. Applesauce, (plain unsweetened) yogurt, nutrios (cheerios with out salt and sugar), pasta (made from quinoa and kamut), homemade bread, squash and avocado. The truth is, if you only offer healthy food, you kid will only eat healthy food.

So I am fairly confident that my kid will have a healthy diet, because my husband and I are committed to it.

Now- here is where I merge ControverSunday and Fess Up Friday into one.

The problem in this household, when it comes to food, is me. Me. Which makes me feel like a big hypocrite, especially because some of my first posts for this blog were about eating real food and the important of healthy eating. I watch Jamie’s Food Revolution and I say “Right On” and then I look down at my waist line and cringe.

First of all, I consider myself a bit of a foodie and someone who is very interested in the local/organic/whole foods idea. I know what a 1800 calorie diet looks like. I read labels. I know how to avoid added salt and sugar. I try to make most things from scratch. I try to meal plan. I try to eat well.

But. Truth be told, I am fairly overweight. Like about 50lbs. (And not 50lbs away from a size 2, 50lbs away from a size 8.) I whined a couple weeks ago in my ‘Fess up Friday’ about needing to lose some weight. I am really struggling with it. Because it is not as easy as just not eating junk food and fizzy pop. You see, sure I don’t drink pop (except Ginger ale when I am sick) and it is once in a blue moon I will have fast food or chips/candy. I don’t eat a lot of processed foods and my meals are pretty healthy. But I have a couple pretty strong addictions to the following not so healthy but totally foodie things:

-Chocolate. Dark dark chocolate.

-Baked goods, especially cookies, cupcakes and muffins. (Micheal Pollan in his latest book “Food Rules” has a rule (39) which says you can eat all the treats you want, so long as you make them yourself. Um… he totally underestimates my love of baking)

-Wine

-Cheese

-Bread

So I have a relationship with food that is both good and bad. Good in that I know what I should eat and I eat pretty healthy meals. I love fruits and vegetables. A good salad makes me happy. Bad in that I snack a lot and eat too much of my indulgence foods.

I really want to get my act together, as I am worried about the impact on A of having an unhealthy Momma. They say kids that grow up with overweight parents are more likely to be overweight themselves. I want to deal with my weight issues for me, but I also realize that impact they will have on her. But honestly, I just can’t seem to resist the treats. They are everywhere. And I know I won’t be successful on a diet if it is too strict. So I need to find a way to cut down on the ‘extras’ without just totally binging later on. And actually, what I think I need, is some way to replace the feeling I get from eating a treat with something else. I am 100% an emotional eater. And 3pm and 8pm are the worst times for me. I want something. And I want it sweet. But really, I want to treat myself. It isn’t really about the food so much as it about wanting to sooth stress or give myself a reward. So I need to find a new reward. And I need to get into an exercise routine. I know I can do this. Now I just have to make it happen.