We all do, don’t we? Compare ourselves to others? We compare how we look to how others look. We compare our careers to others, our homes to others, our stuff to others. We compare how many friends we have or how much money we have. The list goes on.
And then we become parents. And a whole other world of comparisons begin. We drive ourselves mad, really. At least, I know there have been times when I drove myself mad.
A while ago, I saw this pin on Pinterest.
Source: insidejennyshead.blogspot.com via Kathleen on Pinterest
It is so true, isn’t it?
I always think about the scenario where I was sitting with a bunch of Mom’s in a Mommy Group, a few weeks after my daughter was born. And I was talking to that Mom. You know that Mom, who no matter what, always says things are wonderful? Her child sleeps, eats and never cry’s. I don’t know about you, but I could not stop myself from believing she was lying. And if she wasn’t lying, I kinda hated her. Not really, but you know. Especially after I pulled an all night-er to try and feed a screaming child, using a supplemental nursing system and pumping and nursing round the clock. It seems that Mom had absolutely no struggles. No issues. No complaints.
Maybe she is just a really really positive person. We certainly need more of those people out there. Really, I had/have no place in questioning what she said or resenting that she was either struggling less or dealing better. Even if her baby was an angel baby and even if she was amazingly talented a dealing with struggles, I am sure there must have been some struggles. Who’s life is free of challenge? Actually, the most saddening possibility is that she was struggling and didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with the support of the mommy group. Maybe we didn’t seem so supportive. Maybe she just didn’t want to share. All this to say that the truth, the real truth, is that no one has it easy. No one.
And yet we rarely see each other struggle. We work hard to cover it up, minimize it and put on a good front. In the process, we go through this process of internalizing our struggles and then comparing ourselves to everyone else. Even when we say we are opening up, we are often still censoring and masking at least part of what’s going on.
Everyone else seems to have it together. Why don’t I have it together?
The insecurity builds.
I was talking with a friend a couple months back about parenting. And we were thinking about how we feel about ourselves as parents base on the internal frustration and down right annoyance we sometimes feel towards our children. The voice in our head that says “Grrrr, my kid is driving me nuts!”. We were joking that it is a good thing that we don’t judge our parenting based on this inside voice, because we would likely all consider ourselves less then stellar parents. But how we feel on the outside is different then the calm and caring tone we use with our children (as much as we possibility can.)
That made me think even more about the whole concept of our internal experience versus the external persona we see of everyone else. No wonder everyone else looks so together and when we sometimes feel like we are falling apart!
Then there is the media- which has an ironic dual impact on our perception of ourself compared to others. When we watch movies, tv and look at beautiful movie stars we get very unrealistic view of life. Fairy tale endings, happily ever after, money, fame, ect. Perfect mothers and happy sitcom families. An even more unrealistic picture then that glossy persona we sometimes put on for each other in ‘real life’. I really believe that those images of happily ever after have had a negative impact on healthy expectations for our lives.
And at the same time there is reality tv and talk shows. Which, though I will admitted I have been entertained by here and there- are really a voyeuristic look at people who are more messed up then we are. I’m convinced that’s a big part of why people watch those shows. But they are so unrealistically out of proportion to the struggles of most people they don’t seem real either.
I have said before, just about the only thing I have seen on tv that comes close to accurately depicting the internal and external struggles of the every day family is the show Parenthood.
So what’s my point? First, that it is important to remember that others are feeling things inside that you will never see. To me, this is a good reason to be compassionate and forgiving- of both ourselves and others. Second, let’s talk. We are all human- so when we meet a friend we feel close to- put down the mask. Let’s feel comfortable to be ourselves- messy insides and all.
Survival Strategies for Sick Parents
photo by Enokson via Flickr Creative Commons
One of the hardest things about being a parent is that when you are sick you don’t get to just lay in bed and recover. You just don’t. When you don’t have kids you can live on cans of soup and ginger ale and just let the dished pile up. When you are a parent, you have to, you know, take care of an other human being and they, quite frankly, don’t care two hoots that your not feeling well.
I am finally, (FINALLY, knock on wood) recovering from a three week cold. Three weeks. I am sure that part of the reason it took three weeks to recover, rather then five days, has something to do with the fact that I couldn’t really just rest. There is still a child to feed, dress, put to bed, drive to the dayhome, keep entertained on the weekend and the evenings. And even with a loving supportive husband who does a lot and did a lot more when I was feeling particularly crappy, there is still a lot to do.
I know the title of this post suggested that I had some kind of tips or strategies. I really don’t. In part, its just an other thing that they don’t tell you about before you have kids that you just have to grin and bear it. But I do have a few ideas. I am hoping you will add to them in the comments. There must be some great strategies floating out there in the collective wisdom that is the parenting community! Bring them on!
Survival Strategies:
#1 Quiet activities: Books, colouring, playdough, puzzles- all of these are your friends. Next time I get sick, the first thing I am going to do is go and buy Audrey a new puzzle. (She is OBSESSED with puzzles right now.) Because those quiet toddler activities are a life saver- they allow you to lie half asleep on the couch while your kid (hopefully) can entertain themselves for 3 minutes.
#2 Cut your to do list: Yes there are still things we have to still do even when we are sick. Like, you know, feed the child. But cut out any of the extras. Do not try to be super women/man. Just don’t. Give yourself a break and permission to leave the dishes or let the laundry go unfolded. (My husband knows this was my strategy all too well. At one point I think we had 3 full baskets of clean laundry for a good 5 days before I finally felt well enough to deal with it. Husband would deal with it, except no one would be able to find their clothing if he put it away. Love you honey!)
#3 Ask for help. Full disclosure- I suck at this one. But I think, as parents, we all need to do it more. The truth is that if you get two toddlers together- they will entertain each other. Sometimes two is easier then one. So it would be great if we felt more comfortable as parents asking each other for help. I’ll watch your kids if you aren’t feeling well, you watch mine. Not all the time, but a two hour nap when you feel horrible is a huge help. I think part of the reason I hesitated to do this this time is in part because I really didn’t want to be around friends and get anyone else sick. But in retrospect, it probably would have been fine with some good hand washing and cover your mouth when you cough techniques. Point being, our lives would all be easier if we pooled our collective time (and sanity) more often.
#4 Okay, I’m out of ideas. Do you have any? What helps you get through being sick? How do you cope when you feel horrible and your kid(s) are full of energy?
Struggling to Play with my Toddler
I am sure I have said this before. I think some parents are great baby parents. Some parents are great toddler parents. Some parents are great with preschoolers or school age kids and some shine with teenagers. Given that we are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses, this makes sense.
I think I have also mentioned before that I believe I am a ‘school age parent’. I’m not sure, because, you know, I don’t have a school aged kid, I just have a toddler. But what I do know for sure is that the baby/toddler stage is not where I shine.
Now that’s not to say I don’t think I am a good parent. Despite all the blame the mother messages, guilt over this choice or that, pressure to be the perfect mom and all the other things our society heaps on us as parents that makes this parenting job OH SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT, I actually believe I am a pretty good parent. I am loving, kind, reasonably consistent, reasonably effective with dealing with problem behaviour, and good at being aware of my individual kid and her individual needs and responding as such.
But. I still don’t feel ‘at home’ in the toddler years. They are better then the ‘baby’ stage, where I felt horribly inadequate and lost, but I still don’t feel I am ‘great’ at the toddler stage.
photo by Hey Paul via Flickr Creative Commons
One of the main reasons is that I really struggle with engaging in toddler play. There, I said it. This one is hard for me to admit guys, because I feel bad about it. How could I not know how to play with my kid? How can anyone not know how to play?
I just don’t. Sort of. There are parts of it I am good at. I am happy to have lengthy conversations with Audrey, letting her take the lead and letting the conversation twist and turn and repeat, as she asks the same questions over and over again and practices that odd toddler cyclical logic. That’s fun, because wow does she come up with some hilarious things. I love reading to her and taking her to the park. I am even happy to put on some music and have a dance off. But when she asks me to draw with her or build lego or play house… I can do it… but its just not fun to me. I get bored quickly and that imaginative play just doesn’t come naturally to me. I just want to go back to knitting or whatever.
Some parents seem to be naturals at coming up with games and activities and crafts to do with their kids. Fun ideas to fill up a rainy day. My brain just doesn’t function that way. I’d rather get in the car and go on an adventure to try and find somewhere (anywhere) indoor for her to play. I’d rather her colour or pretend to cook or play with her puzzles on her own, rather then get down on the floor with her. Oh, that sounds horrible. See! Its hard not to feel like a bad mom for admitting this!
But I know I am not a bad Mom. I am an imperfect human. And my kid will not be ruined for life because I am not good at making up games and engaging in imaginative play. (Also, my wonderful husband who is an amazing Dad is great at this, so you know, its not like A is depending totally on me for this.) It’s how I am built- I have always lived more in the world of ideas then in the world of fantasy. My greatest fear is being put on the spot and asked to do something creative. I like concrete goals and things with a clear beginning, middle and end. Imaginative play was never my strong suit- I always preferred to read a book. I can be creative when coming up with solutions to problems, but other then that, my creative side is lacking. At least that is how it feels to me.
I think one of the hardest things we encounter as a parent is to make peace with our imperfections and the ways in which we aren’t always the ‘perfect’ parent. A couple people have tried to encourage me to embrace my (non existent) “silly side” and just get down on the floor and play. I’ve tried and I will continue to try, but it will never be my strength. Send me in to deal with a tantrum- sure, that I can do. It’s not fun, but I feel much more able to do that then to make up a toddler ‘game’ to play.
But I can’t be the only parent out there that feels like this. Right? There have to be other Left Brain dominant individuals out there that find this equally challenging. Or maybe there is an other aspect of being the ‘perfect’ parent that you struggle with? I figure we all must have our things, right?
I have no idea how to end this post. Confession made. Guilt exposed. Attempt to partially accept my own foibles partially successful. I guess.
Really, I think this is just a call out there to the rest of the parenting world– none of us are perfect, right? Anyone want to join in and confess their foibles?
A New Year
So apparently New Years Resolutions are out of style. At least in some circles. But I like them. I like writing down, expressing and focusing with a few key phrases of what I want to do this year.
Now I get it that 2012 is, as @torturedpotato expresses, is just a collection of dates. (Awesome post by the way my friend!) So if I want something fro 2012, then its me that has to do the doing to get the something. You know? Hence the value of resolutions. Now, sure, I could make a resolution for a year on April 3 or Oct 11 or any other day, but January 1st just seems such a logical day to make resolutions.
Oh, wait, it’s January 2nd? Oh well, sorry about that. You see I was on a Ferry yesterday and I am battling this wicked cold and you know….
Better late then never.
Resolutions:
1) Learn how to make Pho
I freakin’ love Pho. And when I get a Pho craving… I just NEED it. (Pho =Vietnamese Noddle Soup AKA the CURE FOR ALL THINGS). And sure, living in the Lower Mainland there are lots of places to get Pho fast and cheap, but I want to learn how to make my own Pho. So that I can freeze the broth and always have some on hand for impromptu Pho cravings. Anyone willing to lend me their Vietnamese Grandma for a cooking lesson?
Photo by LWY via Flickr Creative Commons
2) Walk more
Every year I resolve to get fit. One year, right before my wedding, I did it. But most years I don’t. I keep trying to ‘fit’ a workout into my busy schedule and it’s just not working for me. So instead, I am going to resolve to walk more. Take the long route. Walk instead of drive whenever possible. Walk Audrey to Day Home on nice days. If I can fit in even 45 minutes- an hour of walking a day, that would make a big difference.
3) Worry less about money
The reality is, that I spent a lot of 2011 worrying about money. The reality also is that we have a lot more then a lot of other people. We are very lucky and in no way hard done by. Really, not being able to take out cash for extra’s for a week or two- this is not the end of the world. We can pay our bills, we can keep food on our table and clothing on our backs. We are lucky. I need to except that we are tight on our budget and stop worrying about it. That doesn’t mean keep spending, that just means stop worrying. Money is not worth worrying about.
4) Not feel guilty when I don’t blog
I started this blog as a way to express myself. And in the two years I have been doing it is has gone up and down in terms of traffic, comments and engagement. For various reasons I am sure. But I need to get back to the core reasons why I write- for me. Not that you guys don’t matter- it is just that I never set out to be a ‘popular’ blog. So why am I beating myself up for not doing what I need to do to build the traffic here? I know I don’t have the time to read and comment on a hundred other blogs and post every other day and find new ways to promote my blog. And while I love reading others blogs, the part I really enjoy is writing. Just writing. So in 2012 that is my goal. I am going to write when and what I want to write. That’s it. Anything else is icing on the cake.
5) Finish the blanket my Grandmother started crocheting for me
About 6 months ago, my parents came back from visiting my Grandparents in Ontario. With them, they brought a crocheted Afghan that my Gran has started making for me, but found she couldn’t finish. Her eyesight is going and, well, she is 89 years old. So my Mom brought it back and was going to finish it for me. While on Salt Spring, my Mom taught me how to finish it instead. So I am going to finish my own blanket. Then I will have a blanket that my Grandma, Mom and I have all put stitches into and that is meaningful to me. Maybe I can get Audrey to do at least one stitch too!
Best Wishes to everyone in 2012! Warmth and Peace to you all!